The Satellite of Love

Parental Guidance?

2010-07-30T23:56:00.001-05:00

We received a record number of nominations in July for The Satellite of Love's Parents of the Year Contest, presented by Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages (For that wound that just isn't gross enough). Everyday I painstakingly went through the letters and e-mails, just waiting for the the right parent to speak to me and I finally found her. Crystal Henry of Arlington, TX. Crystal is a hard working, single mother who manages to survive on a meager cashier's salary, working 20-plus hours a week at Albertson's. "Ya know, I used to be an exotic dancer and I was a pretty good one too! When I was growin' up, folks used to say that Crystal sounded like a stripper's name and I thought that was the best compliment that any one could give me. So I made it my goal to become a stripper...I mean exotic dancer.", she said. Crystal's dream did come true but it also came to an abrupt ending. Like many "dancers", Crystal got caught up in the glamorous lifestyle of money, men and drugs. She was forced to retire after only 12 years of stripping...I mean dancing. Crystal had permanently damaged her buttocks from thousands of heroin injections to her right cheek. Crystal explained, "My ass was lopsided. One side was all nice and smooth and the other was all scarred up and stuff, y'all". She knew that no hard-working man would want to give up his weekly wage to see a "dancer" with, what she called, "a funked up trunk". So, she did what any lopsided-assed, heroin using, stripper would do, she started using meth. After months of meth use, she realized that it wouldn't bring back her career so she went cold-turkey, waking up one day to find that she actually had a daughter, who was a bi-product of her insane meth use. Crsytal said, "She was like 5 or 6 weeks old before I knew I even had a daughter. She didn't even have a name, so I called her Crystal Jr. cuz she was so beautiful, like me." Crystal, now clean and unemployed, except for her cashier's job, started teaching the art of "dance" to little Crystal Jr. "I don't want her to end up like me", she sobbed, "Little Crystal is gonna have a job and she's gonna be the best damn dancer in the Metroplex". She starts everyday with a vigorous routine, teaching young Crystal lap dancing, table dancing and of course, pole dancing, so that one day she won't have to "live the life of a f*ckin' Albertson's cashier". I believe we need more Crystal Henry's in this world, dedicated to making sure that their children have the right training to make it out there. From everyone at The Satellite and Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages, we say "Good job, Crystal! Keep up the great work"

Country with a "K"

2010-07-30T23:11:00.004-05:00

I never know what I’m going to get when I call my Mom. My Mom screens ALL of her calls; before the advent of caller ID, one had to announce themselves to her answering machine before she would pick up the phone. Now, though, she can see who is calling her as the phone is ringing – caller ID. It’s the eighth wonder of her world.

Very often my Mom will answer her phone with one word, and I know that most people do, so what’s so damned special about that? The thing is…it is not “Hello”. It’s “Tits”.

(Phone Rings)

She answers, “Tits! I swear.”

Me: “What’d he do now?”

You see, “Tits” is her shorthand for ‘As useless as tits (teats) on a boar hog’ and this phrase is used exclusively by my Mother to describe my Step-Dad, Jim. My poor little much maligned Step-Dad.

Although, he is…usually…you know, Tits.

Jersey "Whore"

2010-07-30T18:26:00.001-05:00

President Obama is use to being attacked and taking criticism from other politicians and occasionally the media. He's taxed more sh*t than anyone since King George. But now he's even being attacked by the bronze trainwreck that is MTV's "Jersey Shore's" pint-sized guid-ette, Snooki. Snooki, who is outraged by the new Tan Tax, which requires tanning salons to charge and extra 10%, took her battle with The President to Twitter, which is the preferred choice of battlegrounds in the 21st Century. Obama, who had nothing better to do, chimed back with, "Who is Snooki? I don't even know who she is." Props to Barack for not knowing. But on last night's season premier of "Jersey Shore" Snooki shot back, "McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning. Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan. Clearly, Obama can't relate to my problems because he's black and doesn't need a tan." She went on to rant about how she would never vote for a "black dude" again but then remembered that she wasn't even registered to vote. She then said that "all this thinking is making my head hurt", put on her Ed Hardy cap and headed to the bar, after a quick trip to the tanning salon, of course.

Sign Language

2010-07-30T17:31:00.000-05:00

Alderon's Most Wanted

2010-07-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get funds for the latest version of the Death Star, Darth Vader was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning.
Rebel security forces tell The Satellite that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a handgun, which is completely unnecessary, since he has the power to choke the oxygen out every teller, he demanded cash, not "useless Republic Credits either".
It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel guard says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer." Vader is considered "armed and dangerous". Please do not try to apprehend him, as it could result in your untimely death. If you know the whereabouts or have a tip on Vader's location, please contact your local Jedi Council. You will remain anonymous.

Curfewisms

2010-07-30T01:26:00.001-05:00

It's No Secret

2010-07-30T01:22:00.000-05:00

Congrats are in order for Hollywood pretty boy, Orlando Bloom and his new wife, Victoria's Secret model, Miranda Kerr, who just announced that they are pregnant. The pregnancy news broke Wednesday with Miranda reportedly telling friends she was expecting. "She's definitely pregnant... Miranda's thrilled. She's telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it.", said one of her model friends. Most of the models were more than excited for Miranda, until she left the room that is. Coked up and eating rice cakes, many of Kerr's "friends" laughed about how fat she would get and how she wouldn't be able to puke out that baby weight. But, contrary to how important they feel, the models weren't the first to hear about The Bloom/Kerr Baby. Orlando, himself, let it slip to the hotel staff during their Honeymoon on the Caribbean isle of Anguilla last week. One hotel staffer claimed, "Bloom kept apologizing for how big of a b*tch Miranda was being. He blamed it on her pregnancy. But, we all know that she's a raving b*tch all the time. Poor Orlando." In related news, Orlando Bloom is NOT gay, which came as a surprise to many, including his wife.

Happy Birthday Geddy Lee

2010-07-29T23:28:00.001-05:00

If I could use the Julie Andrews song "A Few of my Favorite Things" and change the lyrics, I would definitely need to find something that rhymes with Geddy Lee, because he'd obviously need to be on my list. Some people can't stand Geddy and I understand. The uneducated, non-musical idiots of the world don't have a clue as to what Geddy Lee has meant to music. They only hear the voice that annoys them so. And his voice is an acquired taste, I'll have to admit. Over the course of 35 years, Lee has fashioned himself into a great prog rock icon — and possibly the greatest who ever lived. Along with Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart, he has made his impression very deep in the music world. All are respected for their technical mastery of their tools and no-nonsense cutting edge rock. But, Geddy always stood above the others as either the leader of the cheers or the target of critics. Happy 57th Geddy Lee.

Sign Language

2010-07-29T21:36:00.000-05:00

Whew! That Scared the Gay Outta Me!

2010-07-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

Last weekend at something called The Radical Christian Right-Wing Fair & Expo in Tupelo, Mississippi, Rev. Gary Rayburn raised the ire of homosexuals everywhere and also raised a few eyebrows in his own community by saying, "all p*rnography is homosexual p*rnography" because "p*rnography turns your sexual drive inwards." I kinda understand his point. Like a fine cigar, p*rnography is often enjoyed alone. But as one of our former Presidents can attest, cigars can easily be a fun couples toy. I digress. What he's saying is, if you're the only person in the room, enjoying some p*rnography and doing a little "self-pleasing" and you aren't a different sex than yourself, then by definition you're in a same-sex relationship, which makes you queer. WOW! That's really stupid.

Here are a few things I know for sure:
1) Sex, when done correctly, is fun.
2) Duct Tape on a girls mouth turns "no, no, no" into "mmm, mmm, mmm". (Maybe I should've kept that to myself)
3) Germans love David Hasselhoff
4) Masturbation is not "having sex with a dude"
I stand firm on all of those counts.

The Reverend went on to say, "if an 11-year-old boy was told that looking at porn would make him gay, he would be less likely to pick up a copy of Playboy." Really? When I was 11, it was hard to get your hands on that kinda contraband. I wouldn't put one down if it was on fire or was soaked in acid. Second degree burns fade man, but memories live forever. So, I'm living proof, as are many men out there, that The Reverend's theory is a bunch of fecal matter. I've wiped whole civilizations of my own children off with a tissue or paper towel in the name of p*ornograghy, and I'm NOT gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And even if you could convince an eleven-year old, in this day and age, that Playboy magazine could make him gay, he'd probably ask you first, "What is Playboy?" and secondly, "What's a magazine, Old man?".

Hot Off the Press

2010-07-29T19:59:00.000-05:00

"The Alan Parsons Project"

2010-07-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

Justin Johnson of Bloomfield, IN was apprehended by police this week after forging and then trying to cash a check for "one million dollars". Authorities were called to the Eastern Heights Branch of the Bloomfield State Bank after Johnson casually handed the forged check for one million dollars through the teller window and said, with a pinkie to his mouth, "I would like to cash this check for one million dollars". The bank teller managed to obtain Johnson's drivers license by just asking and told him that she'd be "right back" with his money. She instead photocopied the license and gave it to the police, leading them straight to Johnson's home, where he was placed in custody. Johnson's bond was set at (in your best Dr.Evil voice) "ten thousand dollars".

Sign Language

2010-07-29T02:11:00.002-05:00

First Blood

2010-07-29T02:02:00.000-05:00

This week, The Satellite had the pleasure to be able to sit down and talk with, screen legend, Sylvester Stallone, who invited us to the set of his movie Rambo Cinco: Mexico. We touched on many topics from plastic surgery to sombreros, but what got Sly really fired up was what he called "insidious" violence in some of today's films, "I might not even know what insidious means, but there is too much violence in movies. If it's like heroic violence then that's different. Ya know, beating a man to a bloody pulp in the ring or blowing up a villiage full of gooks, that's alright because I'm the good guy. Nobody cares if you kill a few dozen slant-eyed, rice eaters with a bow and arrow loaded with TNT, but this violence that they're putting on film now days is bad for the kids and nobody wants to see that garbage." In related news, Jenna Jameson released a statement saying she thinks there is too much sex in today's movies. Our requests for an interview with Ms. Jameson were denied numerous times.

Candian Bacon

2010-07-28T20:23:00.004-05:00

On a recent excursion to the pharmacy to pick up my monthly supply of Vicodin, I ran into a gentleman that caught my eye. At first, it was his unusual hairstyle that got my attention, but when I noticed that he was on the verge of purchasing condoms, I just had to stop and inquire. Call me nosey or just curious, but I had to know what or who exactly would be having sex with a guy with that haircut. So I asked. When he answered me with "nobody" I wasn't at all surprised but it did raise my already high curiosity level. So I asked then what he would be needing condoms for. After he corrected my English and told me not to end a sentence with a preposition, I knew he had to be Canadian. Then he answered my question, "I'm going to line a toilet paper roll with raw bacon and..." I stopped him there, not wanting the full picture of what he was up to. Later that day, I couldn't help but to think about Canadians and their undying love for bacon, so I sent our Canadian Correspondent Howard Hoffman out onto the streets of Edmonton to find out once and for all, "What do Canadians love more, bacon or sex?"

Howard: Canadians are just as consumed by what is sizzling in the kitchen as they are with what's cooking in the bedroom. When asked to choose between bacon or sex, 43% of the Canadians that The Satellite surveyed chose the pork treat over porking. While that statistic says a lot aboot our quality of sex, it says volumes aboot our quality of bacon.

What is it about this fatty, salty, nitrate-laden meat that we find so irresistible, even when so much of food culture today is centered on healthy eating? Well, Ron Franklin of Edmonton said, "It just tastes better than my wife and it doesn't have to be cuddled afterward". Men are particularly enamoured of bacon, according to our survey, some 18 per cent said they can't survive without it, some days. "I'd agree with that. There are some days I just have to have it. It's true," admits Mark Armstrong, a marathon runner, machinist, diehard bacon lover and member of the recently formed World Bacon Council, a collection of bacon-loving Edmonton foodies who gather to taste-test bacon in their homes twice weekly. Armstrong added, "Listen, I've been married 19 years, 10 of them happily, so I haven't even had sex since my wife got drunk at last year's Christmas party and thought I was Mark Messier. But bacon, I can get it whenever I want. I love bacon so much that I've started befriending Muslims, because I know they won't come over to my house and eat my bacon."

We found that Canadians love bacon so much that here in Alberta recently they bestowed Honorary Citizenship to American actor Kevin Bacon. But even though his name is Bacon, most of the people we surveyed still wouldn't have sex with him.

Reporting from Edmonton, Alberta. I'm Howard Hoffman, Good day and God Save The Queen!

Sign Language

2010-07-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

Pornucopia!

2010-07-28T19:49:00.000-05:00

Little People, Big Problem

2010-07-28T19:33:00.005-05:00

A local entrepreneur in Cottonwood Falls, Kansas is under attack by local residents. Frank Morgan, local businessman, and coincidentally the name of the actor that played the Wizard of Oz, decided to build a final resting place for little people. Mr. Morgan told The Satellite, “I’ve always loved the movie and the munchkins even more. There’s just something about the little fellas that I admire, and they always make me laugh”. When asked about his thoughts on oompa-loompas, he replied, “Now those midgets always scared me, almost as much as that Pirates of the Caribbean guy that played Willy when they remade that picture”. However, local residents are not happy and are "standing tall" against the cemetery located in the middle of town. At a recent town hall meeting, nearly half of the 966 residents were in attendance. “I see dem lil crosses every time I come to town to buy feed, and I just don’t like it”, said a local farmer, “gives me the heebie jeebies”. While Mr. Morgan has good intentions, some say that he is just trying to make a quick buck off the "small" portion of land that was willed to him two years ago. The stir has caught the attention of the organization Servicing Little People, more commonly referred to as SLIP. SLIP founder and attorney Al Hobbit, said, “If what Mr. Morgan is trying to do is generous, then what’s the big deal? However, if he is only burying little people for financial gain and amusement, then SLIP will definitely stand up and be noticed”. Currently, the cemetery is at 75% capacity and if the town does decide to relocate the buried, The Satellite will uncover the details and get them to you "shortly".

Country with a "K"

2010-07-28T18:59:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I grew up ‘in the country’ where kids could play anywhere in a 5 mile radius. We rode bikes and horses (and pigs when we could catch ‘em). We were fairly isolated as children, where parties, of pickin’ and grinnin’, where made up of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins from both my Father’s and Mother’s sides of the family. An impromptu gathering could hit 30 people in a matter of minutes. God, so many cousins...we had a few ‘neighbors’ that would come over as well, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t think those guys were cousins too until I was 13.
Over the years, I heard many of my family’s ‘sayings’; these things had either been made up or just handed down through the generations. I thought everyone, everywhere knew exactly what they meant; I didn’t realize they were particular to us.
Most of my favorites are said by my Mother. She is the one person who can add some color to her language to describe a situation. Best of all, she ain’t askaired to do so in public.
We were in the mall, the crowded mall, when she turned to me and said, “Damn, my mouth tastes like the south end of a northbound mule”. Surely, I’d misheard her, but no, she repeated it, loudly. I didn’t know what she meant, well, I knew what she meant, but what could a statement like that lead to, except a trip to the dentist, or an ENT? GUM, chewing gum, because THAT is what she was asking me for with that statement.
So, if you ever hear that statement yourself, just hand over your gum, because that is what that means. Although, I’m pretty sure you’ve just run into my Mother, as I cannot believe that phrase would be uttered by anyone else in the universe.

Sex Tape

2010-07-28T16:57:00.000-05:00

Long Time Gone

2010-07-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

O.K. so it's been awhile since anything was done around here. But, just know that I've been hard at work to bring you the best news and comedy. From a roadtrip to my In-law's house in The Ozarks, rockin' with George Lynch in an empty bar in Odessa, attending a Klan rally in Mississippi and then a Black Panther Party later that day. I've been scouring our fine Nation over the past 2 weeks to bring you the best possible stories. Now that I'm home, I can begin to go through all of the Post-it Notes and things written on the palm of my hand that may or may not be important. See you in a couple of days.

SOL

World Cup Memories

2010-07-13T14:45:00.002-05:00

Mad Max

2010-07-13T14:43:00.001-05:00

The Satellite of Love has obtained a tape that reveals more of Mel Gibson's racist and woman beating rants today. In the tape, Gibson and his baby mama Oksana Grigorieva argue over money and the nanny taking care of their 8-month-old daughter. Gibson says he wants the woman fired and adds, “I’ll report her to f*cking people that take f*cking money from the wetbacks.” Then Gibson says to Grigorieva, “You don’t even have your own money. You’re only using my money,” More than once he calls Grigorieva a “f*cking using whore.” After "the whore" gets her beating, you hear her ask, "Hitting a woman when she's holding a child in her hands. Breaking her teeth twice, in the face. What kind of man is that?" Gibson screams back, "You f*cking deserved it!"

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, which is already investigating Gibson for domestic violence for allegedly punching Grigorieva, confirmed that this recording would be part of the probe. A Spokesperson for the Sheriff's Department said, "We are definitely looking into these very serious allegations against Mr. Gibson and we can only assume by the tape that he did, in fact, strike Ms. Grigorieva. But, if what he says is true and she is a "money using whore", then he might have cause. The County of Los Angeles does not endorse spousal-abuse but there are sometimes "good reasons". We're still investigating."

Pornucopia!

2010-07-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

Green with Envy?

2010-07-13T13:54:00.001-05:00

Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Marvel Studios released a harsh statement about casting Bruce Banner for the planned 2012 release of 'The Avengers,' which would bring together many of their best known characters. Already signed on are Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sam Jackson, Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth, and the last person to play the Hulk was Edward Norton in the 2008 movie. But just because Norton was the last one to play The Hulk doesn't mean he'll be the next. Marvel released a statement this week saying, "We have made the decision to not bring Ed Norton back to portray the title role of Bruce Banner in the Avengers. Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble, as evidenced by Robert, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, and Sam. While Scarlett does not thrive in that environment, she is in fact, luscious, so we'll keep her around. We're looking to announce a big name actor who fulfills these requirements, and is passionate about the iconic role in the coming weeks." This had Norton's people upset and they fired back their own statement, 'This offensive statement from Kevin Feige at Marvel is a purposefully misleading, inappropriate attempt to paint our client in a negative light... This seemed to us to be a financial decision but, whatever the case, it is completely their prerogative. But to say that Ed Norton can't work with an ensemble cast is outrageous. Ed has worked with some of the finest actors in Hollywood including DeNiro, Brando, and Matt Damon. Sam Jackson's last big ensemble cast required him to sit next to a computer generated Yoda and the worst actor in history, Hayden What-his-name, that played Anakin Skywalker. Now who do you think works better in this movie? F*ck Marvel and F*ck The Avengers". Norton, himself, then chimed in with a statement saying, "Ed mad! Ed smash!". The Avengers starts shooting early next year.