Almost every guy on the planet talks to their friends about women. We talk about how you look, how you dress, how you act when you’re with your friends, about that time you let me do that thing that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about. There's always something to say.
But, there are so many more things that we'd wish you would do. They're not big secrets, just things that would score major "Cool Points" with us and light the fire of jealousy in our friends. We want to see every woman do these things, but understandably most women don't enjoy the same activities most males enjoy, because well, they're usually sophomoric and moronic. So, actually doing these things simply makes some women more awesome than other women.
Ladies, no one is asking you to cure cancer here. Just try doing one of these things once in awhile. Here's the list:
5. Play Fantasy Football- Most women have no idea why their man is so upset on Sunday afternoons. Usually they don’t understand why we're so pissed off that Chris Johnson only got 12 carries or that Phillip Rivers threw 2 picks in the red zone. Hey, we’d love to explain it to you if you want to play; otherwise it’s another Sunday of wondering why we hate our best friend for having Adrian Peterson on his team. It’s not enough to know that Rex Grossam sucks. You should want to know why.
4. Shoe Shopping- This is really more of a "don't" than it is a "do". Men don’t like shoe shopping. Let me rephrase that–straight men don’t like shoe shopping. Most of us would rather be beat to a bloody fucking pulp with our own Chuck Taylors than to watch you look at shoes. Blame it on Al Bundy, but it’s just a fact of life. I’ll be at Luca's having a slice of pie. Text me when it’s time to go to Victoria’s Secret.
3. Play Video Games- Men of my age have a predisposition for video games. We grew up on Ninetendo, Mountain Dew and a bag of Funyuns. That was a bitchin' Saturday night. So, when a new system comes out, we’ll talk about it and when Madden comes out we pretend our spleen has ruptured so we can take the day off from work. We want a girl that can hold her own in something other than Mario Cart or Let's Dance. We want a girl who plays Madden but not beats us. A girl that enjoys the poetic carnage of Modern Warfare. We want a girl who has her own fucking controller!
2. Slutty Halloween Costumes- Hey, I didn't get dressed up like Chewbacca just to go home and have sex with Lady Chewbacca! If it wasn't for the fact that I might see a really hot Strawberry Shortcake or a naughty nurse, I'd just stay home and fuck with the neighborhood kids.
1. Watch Porn- O.K. so that video with the woman dressed as a clown being assaulted by 15 midgets who jump out of the El Camino may be pushing it, but billions of dollars is spent on porn every year and it can’t be all men who are buying it. It’s not that we want to do all those things to you; it’s that we want to do most of those things to you. There is nothing a man wants to hear more while watching some quality adult entertainment than “ Hey, WE should try that". So I'll go grab those jumper cables and a bucket of ice. You find the cheerleader outfit, billy goat and butter churner!
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