Happy Monday, Satelliters!

Fashion Police

A barrage of verbal punches were being thrown last weekend, as Country/Pop Starlet, Taylor Swift and Carmen Electra both strutted around Los Angeles in the same dress. When asked how she thought Swift looked in the dress, Electra replied, "I don't think the dress was made for her shape. Lanky is a shape, isn't it?" She went on to say that Swift had the body of a 13 year-old boy and should probably "eat a few hamburgers or something". The news spread quickly to Swift, who stabbed back with her teenage girl ferocity, "Carmen who?" she joked. After a taking a bite of lettuce and downing a RedBull, she became a little more vicious, "If I knew that this dress was for over-the-hill whores I wouldn't have bought it". Electra responded by saying, "Who is she calling over-the-hill?" It is also rumoured that the same dress was purchased by Rue McClanahan. Although this has not been clarified, it would certainly would support Swift's over-the-hill whore theory.

Little Known Fact of the Day

Easter will be here before you know it and to celebrate we're looking back at some great moments in Easter history. Easter Sunday 1945, Adolf Hitler and his mistress Eva Braun celebrate Easter on the German countryside knowing that in just a few short days they would have to make the decision whether or not to commit suicide. Soviet forces were moving in and Hitler's world was collapsing and even though he was an evil murderer, Hitler took time for a little Easter fun. A few days later, when the Soviet Army found Hitler's body, there was a note written by Hitler himself reading, "Ich lieben das schockolade kaninchen" which means "I love chocolate bunnies". After a good chuckle, the Red Army ate the remainder of Hitler's Easter candy stash and proceeded to beat his lifeless body to a bloody pulp, screaming "let's see you resurrect from this motherf*cker!" Happy Easter everyone.

March Madness

Everyone loves the underdog, until it's your turn to play them. Kentucky knocked Cornell from their carriage made from a pumpkin Thursday night, to put their Cinderella run to an end. Cornell, the first Ivy League school to reach the Sweet Sixteen in over 40 years, said all the right things after the game. James Conway Wentworth III, a Senoir forward for The Big Red, talked about the experience, "It was great while it lasted. Going to the NCAA tournament and actually winning a couple of games exceeded our expectations. We couldn't be happier with our season." It seems all the players in Cornell's locker room were playing the "experience" card, Junior guard, Lawrence Keaton said, "it was fun. I wouldn't rank it up there with my Rhodes Scholarship or my nomination for a Nobel Prize in Nuclear Physics, but being in close contact with real African-Americans was something I'd never experienced. Well, except for the staff at my parent's house, but they don't count as real people, do they?" With Cornell's loss, the Cinderella tag fell straight onto Northern Iowa, who hung tough against an injury-riddled Michigan State, but in the end couldn't hold on. Northern Iowa's coach made no excuses for the loss, but when asked why they were beaten, he only said, "They were just too black for us. Damn, they were good". That leaves Butler as the only true underdog left in the tournament. They'll take their team of Jimmy Chitwood look-alikes to the court today against Kansas State, in hopes of carrying the momentum from their upset of number 1 Syracuse with them. Also on today's schedule, a real Hatfield and McCoy battle as West Virginia takes on Kentucky. Some fans throughout The Appalachians are are already having marital issues over backwoods loyalty, one fan said, "When we got married, I told that no-good cousin of mine that this was a Kentucky house. Now she wants to pull for West Virginia. Well, that tooth-less whore can have West Virginia. It's over!" It was getting pretty heated until we calmed him down with a mayonaise sandwich.

Parental Guidance?

Nominations have been pouring in for "Parents of the Year 2010", sponsored by Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages. It's amazing what happens when people start paying attention to great parenting, it's very infectious. Today's spotlight shines on Troy Hicks of Decatur, GA. Troy hosts a weekly darts tournament for his unemployed friends battling alcohol addiction in his garage. He does it to lift their spirits and maybe help point them in the right direction during their struggles. But Troy also tries to mentor some of his younger friends on parenting and there's no better way than to lead by example. At last week's tournament, Troy's oldest son, Troy Jr. didn't replace his father's beer in a timely manner. Troy, knowing that he must set a good parenting example in front of his friends, decided the best course of action would be throwing a dart at his 10 year-old son. Well, Troy was successful and on the first try as well. Good shot, Ol' Boy. I'd say it was almost a bullseye. Maybe Troy Jr. could use a Bacon Strip Adhesive Bandage on that head of his.

Smells Like Wet Dogg

Snoop Dogg made an appearance this week at Augusta National, the site of next month's Masters, to play a practice round with his favorite pimp, Tiger Woods. We caught up with Snoop after he birdied the 18th and was heading to the clubhouse. We asked what he and Tiger talked about during their round and how he thinks Tiger will do in this year's Masters. "Listen, I gave Tiger just one bit of advice and it was "f*ck dem biotches" plain and simple my nizzle". He went on to say that Tiger's game was good and thought that all those "crackers wearin' argyole" should be "sweatin' da return of el Tigre". Snoop abrubtly ended our interview with, "Fo shizzle, my nizzle. I'm gettin' inside, it's startin' to drizzle". He then ran into the clubhouse to have drinks with "some white dudes". No word yet on how Snoop actually got into Augusta National, but police are investigating.

Off Season Workouts

The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has dropped its' request for a DNA sample from Steelers quarterback, Ben Rothelisberger. Rothelisberger has been accused of sexual assault by a woman in a Georgia nightclub, last month. Although it looks like Rothelisberger will escape any charges, the league is still looking into some of his off-the-field activities. Comissioner Roger Goodell has planned a meeting with Rothelisberer to discuss the public perception that he is a "party boy" and can't stay out of trouble. Just 2 months ago, Rothelisberger was accused of a similar crime in Las Vegas, but a spokesperson for the Super Bowl winning quarterback says the media is to blame, "Ben is an upstanding, law-abiding citizen and a great role model for children everywhere. But the media outlets always show him in a bad light". His lawyer agrees, "I know Ben Rotheliberger, and Ben Rothelisberger does not drink and party and chase college girls. Why, I'll bet you Ben's home reading a book right now. Hell, he's probably reading his Bible." In any case, it looks like Big Ben will be 2 for 2 in rape allegations, and any quarterback knows, that's 100%!

Newest Twilight Fan

Being a white American male certainly has its' benefits, but it also has an unquestionable amount of setbacks. Take for example, I really don't know any teenagers nor do I listen to the sighs of middle-aged housewives when they swoon over, the 17 year-old, Taylor "wolfboy" Lautner or Robert Edward Whats His Name from the movie Twilight. So, taking this into account, I've missed out on The Twilight Saga, for which now I am a big fan. I've just discovered that hiding in that putrid pile of teen-angsty, pale-skinned vampire crap was hiding Ms. Ashley Greene. Ms. Greene, unlike some of her co-stars is actually of legal age to purchase alcohol and has a "pertty face". I admit it, I slept through the first movie at home when my wife watched it and had no plans of seeing any of the rest of "The Saga". But, I'm a changed man and I won't be so close-minded to new things anymore. Just don't expect me to read the f*ckin' book.

Max's Mailbag

Self Motivation

Time's Makin' Changes

Sorry for the inconvenience but, The Satellite of Love is under construction. Well, it's more like a remodel. We've paid Frank 350-million Zimbabwe dollars to do the job for us and give us a little "street cred". You know, we're always trying to reach that un-attainable 18-24 year old demographic. What a bunch of morons they are! Anyway, feel free to browse, just excuse the mess. Oh, and if anything looks weird, well weirder than normal, keep your f*ckin' mouth shut and try not to piss off Frank please.

Barack Baracus

Startling accusations from Capitol Hill today, as Republicans, upset over the Obama-led health care victory, have accused the President of some strong-arm, Chicago-type politics. Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX), who was identified as the Congressman who shouted "baby killer" during the vote, said today in a press conference, "President Obama resorted to intimidation, to sway some of his Democratic colleagues" Neugebauer, along with other Republican leaders, stated that Obama came to Capitol Hill with a beard and mowhawk, screaming that he'd "pity the fool who didn't vote for this bill". This along with Nancy Pelosi swinging around her 20lb gavel, made from the very same ugly tree that she fell out of as a child, hitting every branch on the way down, were seen as "scare tactics" by some Republicans. While there were some Democrats to vote against the measure, when the clinching 216th vote was made, uninsured Americans camped out in front of the Capitol spread the news like wildfire via their iPhones and Blackberrys. Shouting "We did it!" from their Lincoln Navigators as they drove through Washington D.C. Reveling in the fact that they now had one more reason not to have to get a job. As for Obama, he was last seen leaving The Capitol with Vice President Biden after the historical vote. Biden was quoted as saying, "I love it when a plan comes together" as he lit his victory cigar.

Sex Education

Spring Break started a little early for some Cliff, N.M. elementary school students on Friday. Parents were called and the school was evacuated just after 10 AM by orders from School Principal Dick Stone. It turns out that all of the school's 3rd and 4th grade students were treated to an assembly where they were to watch a video about The American Revolution supplied by one of the teachers. As the tape started, the 3 teachers assigned to take care of the students left to get coffee from the teacher's lounge and the students in the assembly got left to watch the cream. The tape in which the students were watching was in fact an adult film called The Boston Tea Baggers, which was mistakenly brought in by a 3rd grade teacher, Richard Long. The children endured more than 30 minutes of the film before a teacher returned to find an auditorium full of shocked 9 and 10 year-olds. The tape was immediately confiscated by Principal Stone for what he called "an extensive review" over Spring Break. The school has issued an apology to the families of all the children.

Lost

LOST: Gothopotamus in the Jefferson High School neighborhood of Boulder, Co. I let him off his leash to play with a squirrel and he ran into the woods. He answers to the name Nebula and is about 350 lbs. He was wearing a leather collar and matching studded gloves. He has skin that's as pale as the moon and pink streaks in his beautiful hair. If you see him, don't alarm him, he is very shy. Please call me, Prince Voldemort, at 303-256-1031 if you know the whereabouts of my beloved Gothopotamus. I have been in tears since his disappearance, even more than usual and I can't stop cutting myself to get attention from my parents who ignore me all the time and cater to every whim of my sister Tiffany. I'm sorry, I digress. Please call if you have any info and if my parents answer, don't ask for Prince Voldemort, ask for Trevor, as it is my mortal name.

Government Cheese

George Washington. The Father of our Country and leader of The American Revolution.

Honest Abe. Led us through our darkest time, The Civil War.

Alexander Hamilton. The First Secretary of The Treasury

Old Hickory, Andrew Jackson. Defeated the British in The Battle of New Orleans.

U.S. Grant. Drunk and Leader of Union Forces during the Civil War.

Ben Franklin. Inventor, Politician, Womanizer and Turkey Lover.

Barack Obama. The Father of Welfare and Health Care for all. "YES WE CAN"

Thanks Maxter.

I Love Me Some Me!

Marquis Daniels of the Boston Celtics recently bought himself a little sumpin' sumpin'. It turns out that an NBA player who averages about 9 points a game can be rewarded with a 38-million dollar contract. And what does one do with 38 million dollars? Well, Marquis Daniels had a life-sized replica of his own head forged in the fires of Mordor. Made of 3lbs of 14 karat gold and covered in diamonds, it's the worst thing in neckware since the invention of the noose. Some of Marquis' teammates are even teasing him about his head on a chain, "I told Marquis that it looked more like Whoopi Goldberg", said self-proclaimed, best player on the planet, Paul Pierce. Even Kevin Garnett weighed in on Marquis' SWAG, "I hope someone steals it and then beats him to death with it. Wouldn't that be ironic", he chuckled. The good-natured ribbing doesn't effect Daniels though, "I'll keep wearing it cuz I love me some me", he said. Nevertheless, Whoopi Goldberg should get ready for a phone call from Marquis soon. Because, I'm sure when his career is over and he has wasted his millions of dollars on life-sized heads and other useless sh*t, he'll be calling her to make a deal. Dumba$$!

Hot Off the Press

Don't forget to head to your favorite news stand or store tomorrow for the latest issue of Glamour. I had the joy of sitting down with superstar Robert Edward What's his Name recently for a no-holds-barred interview. We covered everything from, what it's like to work with Kristen Stewart to how does it feel to be a limey British homo. Also, this month in Glamour, you wanna know what HE is thinking or are you constantly trying to pull stuff out of your man? "10 ways to read your man's mind" will help you conquer his dull, thick brain. And don't miss our monthly make-over tips, from classic beauty to Saturday night floozy, we can help you make it happen.

Wolverine vs. The Invisible Man

After a night of binge drinking with college students in Daytona Beach, Wolverine was attacked Thursday during a morning swim. Eyewitnesses said that it was a total surprise to Wolverine, "we were just having a good time, like... swimming and stuff, when Logan started freakin' out" said Brittany, a student from The University of Minnesota. The fight seemed one-sided for some time, as Wolverine couldn't locate The Invisible Man, nor could he tell where his next brutal punch would come from. It wasn't until Wolverine, beaten and battered, released a concoction of the prior night's Jagermiester and Domino's Pizza from deep within his belly, that he was able to gain some momentum and eventually a victory. Trevor, another student, from Clemson University said, "Wolverine hurled his chunks all over that dude! It was way nasty man. I got a pic on my iPhone and posted it on Facebook". It was only then that Wolverine was able to see The Invisible Man, who was covered in vomit. Wolverine left the scene before authorities arrived, rumored to be headed to South Beach. While the lifeless, and invisible, carcass of his adversary lay somewhere on Daytona Beach for the remainder of Spring Break.

Parental Guidance?

Remember, it's never too early to get in your nominations for The Satellite of Love's Parent of the Year contest, sponsored by Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages. So, make sure you take the time to recognize some one's unbelievable parental skills, today. And don't forget to pick up a box of Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages for that wound that just isn't gross enough.

Sunday School

In response to some recent posts that were "unflattering" to the Catholic Church, The Pope has been sending his cronies to stand outside The Satellite offices in hopes of "sending a message". His Holiness recently said that comments about The Church were "uncalled for and un-Godly" and he probably used a few other "un" words as well. The old Nazi cogger had said that, "The Satellite of Love is run by Beelzebub, himself, and his words are demeaning and full of hatred" Well, that may very well be true. We have our faults here and we know that we're not perfect. But, The Pope needs to worry about his own problems. The Church's stance on women is centuries old and its' cover-ups of child molestation only fuel the fires of Hates. So, leave our faults alone and take care of cleaning your own house. Oh, and quit sending those priests by here so damn early in the morning, we're trying to sleep.

Jihad Dress Shop

In preperation for his 9 year old daughter's marriage, Maulvi Kalamadin has granted his wife permission to accompany him to the Kabul Wal-Mart to purchase a new burqa. As we approach the couple, Maulvi orders his wife to stand against the wall and not be a distraction. He greets us with a boisterous, "Praise Allah" and begins to tell us how this particular burqa fits his wife perfectly. "It's a great color for her and she can wear her hair up or down, it doesn't really matter" he chuckles. "The last burqa I bought for her must have been sewn by Satan himself, because she was showing her ankles like some kind of possessed-whore" he said. Maulvi then instructed his wife to "go get a case of Sam's Cola and meet me in Sporting Goods". Bidding us farewell, once again he said, "Praise Allah" and of course "Death to America"

Politically Incorrect Map

One Night in Paris

A big thanks to Paris Hilton for pushing our new CD, Truth Needs a Hero, at a release party this week in Los Angeles. When we came to the conclusion that we couldn't afford to fly to L.A., we called Paris and she graciously took over for us. We knew that nobody but Paris would demand the attention for our CD that we wanted. She is constantly stalked by the paparazzi and usually doesn't mind if people are taking pictures of her. With a crowd of at least...12 people on hand, Paris made her way into Borders to talk to the press about Truth Needs a Hero. But since there was no "real" news in attendance, Ms. Hilton sat down for a little chat with some dude named Chaz from TMZ. When asked what her favorite tracks from the CD were she answered, "Uh, I like "Eaten Back to Life" and "Maggot Infested Corpse" but I think my favorite is "Hey Kid Get Off My Lawn". By our latest numbers it looks like we sold 3 copies that night and then we were quickly placed in the bargain bin along side Paris Hilton's CD and Brooke Hogan's. Thanks again, Paris.

Murphy's Law

A day after Hollywood acted like they cared about a loser named Corey Haim dying, the world has lost a real man. Pro Football Hall of Famer, Merlin Olsen died in Los Angeles today. Olsen was an Outland Trophy winner in college and the 3rd overall pick in the draft. He was part of the Rams' "Fearsome Foursome" defense that dominated football in the 70s along with Deacon Jones, Rosey Grier and Lamar Lundy. He was one of the toughest men in a tough man's game. After retiring, Olsen went into acting often showing his softer side. Appearing in "Little House on the Prairie" and later his own show "Father Murphy". Olsen also played the bodyguard/limo driver of the crime boss in Joe Don Baker's excellent police drama "Mitchell". Who could ever forget that. Services will be held in Los Angeles early next week for Olsen. Does anybody know a good flower delivery service?

Sign Language

The Mild Side

In an all too familiar trend, aging rockers Motley Crue announced today that they would be embarking on a world tour this summer. The Crue, who originated in 1981, have been told they were slowing down and getting passed by a new generation of rock bands. They are only using that as more motivation to hit the road. "We want people to know that we can still bring it", said Vince Neil. "We're gonna bring our hits to a new generation of fans". Neil, along with Nikki Sixx, Mick Mars and Tommy Lee have been re-writing some of their songs to "better fit" their state of...age. Sixx, who writes most of the songs said, "Yeah, we've been working on some new stuff, well it's old stuff that we made new." It seems Sixx was correct, because at rehearsal the band went through some of their "new old stuff". The set list included a re-made Dr. Feelgood, which is now about a prostate exam and Kickstart my Heart has been re-written about Mick Mars' last experience with a defibrillator. The list went on and on, they even changed songs that they covered to begin with, Lee laughed at the fact that Helter Skelter was now Elder Skelter. He said, "John Lennon is rollin' in his grave, man". Nevertheless, Motley Crue is hitting the road and gone are the groupies, drugs and the decadent lifestyle that made them famous. Sixx said, "We have a masseuse and a juice bar and we all get enemas before every show". Can't wait till this summer, well don't miss the Crue this weekend signing autographs at Luby's in Palm Springs.

Dokken vs. Chicken

http://thefunnyads.com/norton-dokken-vs-chicken-video-ad/

If only we knew this last week. We would've known how to stop them. Enjoy!

SOL

Jihad Double Date

A United States Special Forces convoy recently captured Al-Qiada #2 man, Abu Ebidia El-Banashiri, while driving on an isolated road in Southern Afghanistan. Banashiri and his driver were out picking up some "entertainment" for the troops when they were spotted. Along with the 2 sheep, a magazine showing women's ankles, 3 scented candles and a Cat Stevens 8-track were also confiscated in the arrest. Banashiri told his captors that if he did "not return to the cave with these possessions" that it would "anger Allah, as well as hundreds of men waiting for the release of the burning fire in their loins". As the US Interrogator began laughing uncontrollably, Banashiri became quite combative, saying only "Praise Allah and death to America".

Remembering Hank

Nobody ever questioned Hank Gathers' heart. He was the emotional leader of one of the nation's best basketball teams. Loyola Marymount pushed the mighty UNLV Runnin' Rebels to the brink in '89 and were firing on all cylinders in 1990, taking LSU and Shaq to overtime in Baton Rouge. Gathers scored 48 and pulled down 13 boards in that loss. He was only the second player ever to lead the nation in scoring and rebounding in he same season. Nobody questioned Hank's heart, but a month after that LSU game his heart failed him. Many of us saw Hank's death that night on ESPN and many have forgotten Hank over the years, but now 20 years later, we should all take time to remember one of the most dominant college basketball players ever.