Holy Crazy Pope, Batman!

In Pope Benedict's Message for Lent last week The Holy Father touched on may subjects including love, charity and sin. Pope Benedict, Mayor of The Vatican, said this, "Injustice, does not have exclusively external roots; it's orgin lies in the human heart, where the seeds are found with mysterious cooperation with the devil." He also reminded the world's Catholics that "Along with prayer and almsgiving, fasting is one of the three pillars of faith" The Holy Father then snatched a toddler from the crowd and proceeded to eat her. Wiping his mouth, His Holiness then said, "Man, this fasting is a real bitch. Let's concentrate on the prayer and almsgiving this year". The people roared their approval and cheered wildly as The Pope drove away.

Black History Month

Suburban Gangsta

Here at The Satellite of Love we are committed to hardcore journalism. We try our best to keep you informed and safe in these unsettling times. So, today in our continuing series "Suburban Gangsta" we take you to Auburn Hills, Michigan, where we find Jesse Fullerton. Jesse, or as his friends call him "White Jezzy", is a 13 year old with an insatiable appetite for Monster Energy Drinks, SlimJims and playing with his dad's unloaded pistol. White Jezzy is best known in his neighborhood as the kid who tried to steal a Slurpee machine from a local 7-11, claiming that the brain freeze that the GI Joe Cobra Commander Blueberry Rush was what keeps him from "putting a cap" in his parents. When we asked White Jezzy about the incident he said, "Yo man, I wanted that Slurpee thing , man. That woulda been da shiznick". Jesse is obsessed with what he calls "swag" or high dollar items that show his social standing. While most "Suburban Gangstas" would claim their automobile as their most prized possession, Jezzy is too young to drive and has been grounded from his bike for the last 2 weeks. So he proudly pulls out his mother's vacuum cleaner and screams "Dat's a Dyson b*tch!" He insisted that we take pictures and then we were rushed out the backdoor as Jezzy's parents were returning from a couples Bunco night down at the end of the cul-de-sac and since he was grounded he didn't want anymore trouble. Hard-hitting! Award-winning. Fair and Balanced. That's the kind of reporting we do best.

Ride On

Thirty years ago today, AC/DC singer Bon Scott was found dead in London. AC/DC had released 6 great albums in the 70s before Scott's death, including Highway to Hell, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and High Voltage, all of which cemented AC/DC's status as the leaders of the hard rock world in the "Disco Age". The band took a small break when Scott died, and when I say small I mean small. Five months later the timeless Back in Black was realeased with Brian Johnson replacing Scott on vocals. While, Back in Black has been one of the most successful albums in history, AC/DC has forgotten how to write songs that are actually good. Although they still release albums and tour, they only tarnish the image of superiority that they once had with Scott as their frontman and like KISS and The Rolling Stones need to hang it up and let us have our memories...before they die like Bon Scott did.

Sign Language

Just goes to show that nothing should get between a man and his tacos.

Bringing 'em Bach Alive

Sebastian Bach is being called a hero by his good buddy, Axl Rose. At a private Guns n Roses concert in New York Sunday night, Bach spotted a man come through the door weilding a knife and heading towards the stage. Bach confronted the man and held him until security could get to the scene. "I thought to myself, nobody is gonna try to hurt my man Axl. So I just did what anyone would do and stopped the guy." Bach said. He went on to say, "I know that Chinese Democracy sucked but c'mon man, he doesn't deserve to be stabbed over it". NYPD did arrive at the private concert at The Gramercy Park Hotel shortly after the man was apprehended. A police spokesperson said that, "Questioning the knife-weilding man was difficult, because he seemed to be under the influence of some sort of narcotics". One question police do want answered though is, who the hell would pay for a private Guns n Roses concert? An investigation is underway.

Rothgar!

An unusual story from New York City this week, as an unidentified man climbed a fire escape ladder and jumped to a nearby awning wearing nothing but a invisible cloak of crazy. Poilce arrived shortly after 9am to find the man screaming "I am Rothgar, Lord of the hill people. I demand all of the finest meats and cheeses throughout the land be brought to me". After many failed attempts to remove "Rothgar" from the awning, police were forced to tase his genitals to get him down. After spending a few hours downtown, charges of Disturbing the Peace, Resisting Arrest and Public Lewdness were dropped against "Rothgar" over a technicality. Before firing his taser, police Sgt. Jim Franco, failed to yell "PI-KA-CHU!" which is required by New York law, effective November 1st of last year. Franco will be on Administrative Leave until he completes the mandatory Pokemon Law Enforcement Training Course again.

The Seth Macfarlane Formula for Quality Television

Now I like The Family Guy just as much as anyone and I've even watched American Dad a few times. But, Seth Macfarlane has gone too far with The Cleveland Show. I know some might consider these types of shows "idiot humor" and they have every right. Just look at what were watching. If you sit and watch all 3 of these shows on Sunday night, then you are probably one of those people who watch wrestling every week and record it when you're not home. You most definitely watched the Daytona 500 and didn't change the channel when they were fixing the pothole for 2 hours, because you didn't wanna miss anything. FOX is famous for dumbing Americans down with their programming choices, think Temptation Island or Joe Millionaire, but this has to stop. We can't let Macfarlane just change skin color or change a talking dog into a talking bear or an effeminate alien and try to pass it off as new and funny. Wake up! Go read a book or something. But when you're done, be sure to catch back to back episodes of The Family Guy weeknights at 11e/10c on Adult Swim only on Cartoon Network.

Jihad Swim

It was a fun-filled day in Northern Afghanistan today. Beaten down and tired Al-qiada soldiers got a surprise visit from family members and they all took the opportunity to take a dip in the Kundar River. Twin brothers Akim and Raffeek Munjamar not only share a cave but also share a wife. "My brother and I are most excited to see our children and our wife." Akim said. His brother Raffeek went on to say, "We shall bask in Allah's glow and have sexual relations far into the night. But I, Raffeek, being 2 minutes older shall have her first." But things took an unexpected turn and neither brother would be able to reap the benefits of the conjugal visit. Shortly after the swimming began Al-qaida leaders noticed Akim and Raffeek's wife showing too much wrist in the river. She was ordered to be shot and killed as soon as she exited the water. The brothers themselves carried out the punishment on their "Wrist-bearing whore of a wife" saying only 2 things as they pulled the triggers of their AK-47s, "Praise Allah" and of course "Death to America"

Sign Language

Once in a Lifetime

Relief continues to fly into Haiti and stories continue to roll out of the earthquake torn country. Pierre St. Pierre or "Old Petey" as people call him in his tent village, had been complaining about losing his glasses when his shanty collapsed in last month's eathquake. Upon hearing that Old Petey hasn't been able to see anything in over a month, Red Cross workers finally found him a pair of glasses strong enough to give him a glimpse of what his home looks like. Before giving Petey the glasses ,Red Cross aide, Karen Washburn warned him to not be frightend by the aftermath. She said, "You may ask yourself, how do I work this? You may ask yourself, Where is that large automobile? And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house. And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife!" As Petey put on the glasses he was not surprised by any of the falling buildings or people living in the street, he only said, "Same as it ever was" and returned to his tent to put another Wyclef Jean CD on the fire.

Your Other Left

Former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke Friday to a group of GOP supporters in Lincoln, Nebraska and had some harsh words for The Obama Administration's handling of the Iraqi withdraw. Saying that withdrawing our troops before the Iraqi army was ready to defend itself would "destroy everything we fought so hard to build" He went on to say that, "9 out of 10 Iraqi soldiers still weren't trained adequately and there's still a lot more that can be done". Upon hearing the quote from Cheney, Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton bristled, "No, no, no. The Iraqi army is a well qualified and well trained machine." When asked about Cheney's claim of 9 out of 10 soldiers not being trained she said, "It's more like 1 out of 10". I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

Hot Off the Press

Hemp Hemp Hooray

Sad news from Utah this week as the inventor of The Frisbee and Commissioner of RSLS, Walter Morrison died at the age of 90. But there was not time for much mourning as the 25 member RSLS (Recreational Stuff and Leisurely Sports) council had to elect a new leader. Rumors are that there are 2 different opinions among the council as to who should be the next leader. Mike "Hambone" Hampton, who hosted the meeting in his Mom's basement said, "Yeah, there's definitely a schism here", he went on to say, "Some of the guys want Mike Marshall the Hacky Sack dude and some of the guys kinda like Jim "Foosball" Johnson." One by one council members hurried into The Hampton basement, vowing to get it right even if it took all night. The night wore on and the debate continued. They toked about till 4:20am and the sign of a new leader was finally given, in the form of white smoke from the basement window. That is when Jim "Foosball" Johnson was told he was the new commissioner of the RSLS. Johnson said that the fact that his game was played indoors played a major factor in the vote, "These dudes don't wanna go outside, they wanna smoke and play some foosball man". The council then celebrated by lighting up yet another bowl, but that bowl was cut short before it reached the end of the circle because Hambone's mom came in and ran everyone off. They will all meet again sometime this year at another site, as the Hampton's basement is no longer available.

Peyton's Place

I know how unpopular it is to pick against the Saints. I keep hearing all this BS about destiny and saving the city and how so many people in The Big Easy suffered and they deserve a championship. Well, watch out Saints fans because there's another storm coming and it's a category 18. Hometown boy, Peyton Manning is without a question, the best quarterback on the planet right now. He's better than you, he's smarter than you, hell he's smarter than your coach. I understand why some people don't like Peyton. When someone is so much more superior than the competition, people don't like it. The same was true with Jordan, Bird, the Yankees, Notre Dame, the list goes on and on. But, betting against Peyton and the Colts this Sunday and clinging to a feel-good story of destiny from The City Beneath the Sea will only lead to disappointment. Colts 42 Saints 27.

Grammy Recap

The 2010 Grammys have come and gone and it was a star studded night. There was an excitement in the air, it seemed it was "The Year of The Woman" at the annual awards show. With most categories being dominated by Beyonce and Taylor Swift and a smashing opening performance by 2 of of the world's weirdest dressed b*tches, Lady Gaga and Lady Elton it was definitely "Ladies Night" at The Grammys. Beyonce took home 6 Grammys much to the joy of her husband, rapper Jay-Z, who himself took home the award for "Most Times on Camera During The Grammys". Taylor Swift, the country-pop starlet, who came away with 4 Grammys, vowed to celebrate by eating half of a hamburger and not vomiting it up in the bathroom. But the number of the night belonged to Pink, who sang while being spun around in a whore-sling above the crowd. At one point, Pink was dipped into a small pool of kerosene and was expected to be set aflame by a fiery arrow shot from Ted Nugent's crossbow. But due to time constraints, the fiery arrow was cut from the performance, leaving the highly flammable Pink to drip all over the crowd. The women were not alone for music's biggest night though. The Grammys also paid tribute to a pioneer in the music industry, Don Cornelius, by re-creating a whole episode of "Soul Train" in his honor. The tribute, which ran 2 hours in the middle of The Grammys, included performances by Jamie Foxx, The Black Eyed Peas, Eminem and Lil' Wayne featuring Drake featuring Rhianna featuring Timbaland and Neosporin. Tensions were high at one point in the evening though. Police were called to investigate a break-in and possible hate crimes. But the reports of some "strange lookin' white dudes" turned out to be The Zac Brown Band. Who still remain "strange lookin' white dudes" even after their Grammy win. Jay-Z went as far as to call them "those crackers with beards and fiddles". All and all, this year's Grammys were a success and you can hear all of The Grammy award winning songs and performances by purchasing "Kidz Bop17" now at http://www.kidzbop.com/.

A lie and a whisper, a knife in my back, back, back

What the hell is Don Dokken offering us anyway? Well, according to Max, who was the biggest Dokken fan I knew growing up, a piss poor concert. Don Dokken and his merry band of Dokkeniers are slated for a March 4th visit to the Tall City which has many people in town excited. Obviously, the glory days of Dokken and their brand of music has come and gone but there are still a lot of people in Midland that live in the 80s. Sad, yes. True, very. Nevertheless, as I talked to Max about a trip up from The Concho City to see his favorite childhood band, he bristled and said, "I'm not wasting my money on that tool, Don Dokken". I knew Max was still bitter about Dokken and former guitarist George Lynch's decades old feud but I got the feeling he'd rather stay home and watch The Office on Thursday the 4th than come up and hang with Alex and I. Anyway, after a little talking him off the ledge, I convinced him to make the trip. I'm sure he'll enjoy it, even with the years of bitterness he has running through his veins. Not to mention, we really need Max's fireman training because the opening act is Great White and they do have a history of killing their fans in firey blazes. Alex suggested we stand close to the exit and I tend to agree.