How the Cookie Crumbles

Cookie Monster was arrested today and charged with the January 19th killing of his 2 University of Florida roommates. Gainesville Police had been in search of Cookie Monster since he disappeared after that murderous night in an apartment just off campus. He was spotted Saturday afternoon running towards a group of Girl Scouts in front of a Blockbuster Video store in south Gainesville and apprehended. Police have pieced together a case against Cookie Monster from eye witness accounts and forensic evidence from the scene. One student, who said he was at the apartment that night said, "we were just sitting around smoking a couple of bowls ya know, eating some chips and stuff. T-Bone went into the cocina and grabbed some cookies. I think they were like uh Chips Ahoy or something man. Next thing you know Cookie pulls out a gun and says "U" is for, "you better share those cookies or I'll blow your head off mutherf*cker". Another party-goer said, "we all knew Cookie was a total freeloader and we were sick of sharing all our swag with him. He didn't have a job and never went to class, hell he didn't even know the whole alphabet. He always stopped at "C". We caught up with Cookie Monster as he was escorted up the courthouse steps in shackles. His only response to our question of "did you do it Cookie?" was, "Me want a lawyer, Me do nothing, Me innocent!" Cookie Monster is set to be arraigned Monday morning.

Blocked Below the Waist

CBS, America's Most Watched Network, has denied a Super Bowl commercial spot to the gay dating website, ManCrunch.com. The ad depicts 2 guys watching the game and both reaching into the bowl of chips at the same time, brushing hands and
locking eyes leading to a very un-manly game of tonsel hockey. One CBS executive, speaking off the record stated, "Having a gay commercial during the Super Bowl would be like NASCAR adding Toyotas to the field", "We'd lose more viewers that we'd ever hope to gain" he went on to say, "not that there's anything wrong with being gay". This has the gay rights community up in arms. "It's clearly a form of discrimination" says Deion Jackson, leader of the gay rights group, MENsa. "If they can put those beer commercials on with all those half-naked b*tches, then they can air this too". But there was also support for the CBS decision from some. Former NFL quarterback, Jeff Garcia said, "C'mon gay guys don't eat chips and sit around in a room decorated with traffic signs", "Not that I would know of anyway...because I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that." No comment yet from NFL players A.J. Hawk and Adrian Peterson whose jerseys are worn by the 2 stool pushers throughout the commercial. But in a recent poll conducted by The Satellite of Love, we found that 2 out of the 3 homosexuals we know like A.J. Hawk's hair more than Troy Polamalu's curly Samoan locks. Now that's investigative reporting. Anyway, don't expect to see any man kissing during the big game this year, I believe NBC has Super Bowl rights next year and if we know anything about that poorly run, forgotten network, they'll be happy to take ManCrunch's money and show the ad.

Green Terrorism

In a new message released today, Osama Bi Laden called for the world to "boycott" all American goods and the U.S. dollar. Osama, who was attending a cave warming party in Southern Afghanistan, took time to address reporters, blaming the U.S. for global warming and asked everyone to help "stop the wheels of the American economy". He went on to blame America for world hunger, desertification and flooding across the globe and called for "drastic solutions" to global warming. After a couple Jager Bombs and sucking the helium from a few balloons, Bin Laden then went on to brand the U.S. for various other "crimes against humanity" like, Bon Jovi, Paris Hilton and "Grey's Anatomy". Bin Laden, trying to hurry back to the party then said, "Praise Allah" and "Death to America" and disappeared into the cave for his turn with the beer bong.

Dream On

I'm sure by now, most of you have heard that Steven Tyler has left his long-time band, Aerosmith, and that guitarist Joe Perry has said that they will go on without him. I'm also quite certain that this bold statement made a few of you chuckle. Hell, some of you reading this now might be asking yourself, "is Aerosmith still a band?" Well, they are and at the moment they are a singer-less band. But that is all about to change. It has been rumoured that Perry has approached 2 singers to fill the spot vacated by Tyler, Paul Rodgers and Billy Idol. I know, get up off the floor and keep reading. Try to control your laughter and disbelief. Rodgers, of course, the legendary frontman of Free and Bad Company has been singing for Queen for the last few years which is weird all by itself. But Billy Idol fronting the Bad Boys from Boston would be like electing Barack Obama President of The United States. Oh wait, we did that. Nevermind. Anyway, for some reason Joe Perry thinks that we care about his band and that we will rush out to buy their next God-awful offering, Steven Tyler or not. I can't deny the mark that Aerosmith left on rock in the 70s. Nor can I downplay their awesome rise from the ashes in the early 80s. But their sell-out 90s and the nail in the coffin "Armageddon" theme song sealed their fate as insignificant and just plain old. I hope generations from now, kids will discover "Back in the Saddle" or "Toys in the Attic" among other great songs from Aerosmith and respect them. But the longer Perry and the boys keep up this charade, the more Aerosmith's image will be tarnished. Just walkaway Joe.

A New Look

O.K. so things look a little bit different around The Satellite recently and we can't really tell if it's a good change or not. We kinda got ourselves caught in a Heidi Montag situation. We tried to change just a little something and the next thing you know we've got bigger boobs and a smaller nose. Which are all fine and dandy if that's what you're shooting for. But we still haven't figured out exactly what we were shooting for. I mean, I think there are actually some flowers in the top corner. What's that all about? Nevertheless, don't rush to judge our new look but remember just like Heidi, underneath it all we're still a big ol' bitch. As always, thanks for reading and up the irons!

Foxy Lady?

PETA is at it again. Earlier this month the animal loving psychopaths took on The White House, their latest target is Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir. The group sent a letter to Weir and his costume designer criticizing him for the use of fox fur on his costume. To this, Weir responded, " I totally get the dirtiness of the fur industry and how animals are mistreated. But it's not something that's a prioroty in my life." When asked what Weir's priorities were he said, "Men, men, men and more men! oh, and skating" He then gave us a "Z" snap and pranced his fancy pants back to the ice for practice. Be sure to catch this flame when the Olympic torch is lit next month in Vancouver.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear do you see a Blacklist?

What do the children's book Brown Bear, Brown Bear What do you See? and the book Ethical Marxism: The Categorical Imperative of Liberation have in common? Well 2 things really. They were both written by authors named Bill Martin and they were both recently banned by The Texas State Board of Education. In their annual review of literature that is to be made available to Texas school children, The Board of Education deemed all books written by Bill Martin unsuitable for the State's elementary schools for his "very strong critiques of capitalism and the American system". This list included the classic Brown Bear, Brown Bear. The push for the ban was headed by The State Representative from Weatherford, Pat Hardy. Hardy and her crack staff failed to realize in their 5 minutes of research that their could be 2 authors with the same name. The backlash over the ban has come quickly and from all directions. Most notably, from Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition. A spokesperson for Jackson said, "this ban is clearly a sign of hatred from the Board of Education to the poor, repressed Brown Bear" and that "the bear in question, because he is not a polar bear, has been singled out and that my friend, is clearly a blatant sign of racism" The Reverend Al Sharpton also chimed in saying that he would "join Jackson in his trip to Texas to counsel the brown bear and his family". Sharpton, the fat, pompous, man of God also said that the action could "lead to a boycott of Texas" to which I'm sure the fine citizens of Texas would welcome with open-arms. But for now, Brown Bear, Brown Bear What do you See? remains banned until further notice or until The Board of Education pulls their heads out of their a$$es.

A "Chan"ge is Gonna Come

I'm starting to feel bad for the devoted fans of The Buffalo Bills. Just when you thought Ralph Wilson, the owner of the once proud franchise, was going to make a statement and hire a "real" head coach after firing Dick Jauron mid-season. He goes out and finds the cheapest average coach on the planet, Chan Gailey. As if the past few years under Jauron weren't mediocre enough, just wait, you haven't seen a more mediocre coach than Chan Gailey. I see a 7-9 season in the near future. Yipee! Gailey's impressive NFL head coaching record is 18-16. WOW! His list of accomplishments reads like this: Fired as Kanas City's Offensive Coordinator just weeks into training camp, nice. As the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, he was so bad that Jerry Jones replaced him with team janitor Dave "The Hobbit" Campo. Really? When your boss thinks Dave Campo could do a better job than you, then you've got problems. The Buffalo Bills hit the jackpot with this hire. So, once again, fans in Buffalo can look forward to 2 things this next season, snow and a team that sucks. "Get your popcorn ready"

Germany's Most Wanted

A recent traffic stop on The Autobahn has turned into a manhunt. Captain Frans Scrathinsniff thought it was just a routine stop when he noticed "some clown" swerving from lane to lane. Quickly engaging the driver, he pulled him over and found, to his surprise, a real clown. The clown in question, only known by his first name, Oscar, was given a field sobriety test. But as soon as Captain Scratchinsniff turned away to call for back up, Oscar ran into the dark country side. Upon searching the clown's 1992 Volkswagen Jetta police found 15 more clowns, a midget, a goat, rock singer Doro Pesch, a bearded lady, and a David Hasselhoff look-alike all with small amounts of heroin hidden within their nether-regions. Police tracked the size 22 clown footprints about 3 kilometers before they disappeared in a creek and they are asking for your help in apprehending this clown. If you see a clown that looks tweaked out on heroin with a rainbow colored wig running through the German country side please do not approach him he could be armed with a squirting flower lapel pin or an endless chain of colored handkerchiefs coming from his sleeve. Please call local authorities if you know his whereabouts.

Life in the Fast Lane

Tennessee fans want Lane Kiffin to be remembered in Knoxville. The head coach who barely got his bags unpacked before resigning and taking over at USC will forever be linked in Volunteer football lore but it seems Kiffen might also be "honored" in another way. Knoxville attorney, Drew McElroy, has filed the appropriate paperwork and paid the $263 application fee to rename the city's waste treatment plant The Lane Kiffin Sewage Center. "I think it's very fitting" said one fan. Other citizens weighed in as well, Jimmy Elkins, a senior at UT added, "There was nothing but sh*t coming out of his mouth since the day he landed in Knoxville". When word of the proposed change got back to Kiffin, sitting in his new office in sunny Los Angeles, he only snickered and asked "when did they get indoor plumbing in Tennessee?" but later added that he "would still be cleaning up Tennessee's sh*t 20 years from now" and if he "would be getting paid for his naming rights". National Signing Day is 2 weeks away but the season has already started for some.

Self Motivation

Jihad Spelling Bee

A recent protest in New York City has al qaida red in the face. Film crews and photographers caught this al qiada operative sticking out like a sore thumb with a sign proclaiming his hatred of juice. When asked about the photo, Al qaida spokesperson, Abbdur Rahim says, "What an idiot!" "We spend countless hours and millions of dollars getting people illegally into the U.S. and they can't even spell Jews." He went on to say, "Let's not misunderstand this, we like juice. Really. Al qaida is pro-juice. I, myself, enjoy it even more that goat's milk." Abdul Haseen, President of the Al Qaida Department of Education, reiterates, "We may hate Jews. We may hate America. But we love juice." Haseen then says, "we must educate our soldiers more good. We need to start the learning process while these children are still in their family cave. Teach them to read and write so they can better kill themselves in the name of Allah and stop embarrassing us" Our interview came to an abrupt ending when the season premier of "24" started and we were asked to leave with these parting comments from Haseen, "Death to America" and "Praise Allah"

Low Blow

Funeral services were held today for El Parkita and Espectrito Jr. two Mexican Midget Wrestlers that were killed by fake prostitutes. Authorities have said that the wrestlers were drugged by the two fake hookers at a bar and later died in a dirty Mexico City motel room. Witnesses believe that they saw the women leave the bar with their little friends after slipping them a little something in their drinks. The dosage proved to be too much for the wrestlers and the bell rang for the last time on their match of life. Mourners from all across the Mexican wrestling galaxy were present at the funeral. But the eulogy was interupted when El Muerte de Muerte, the World Heavyweight Champion, threw a folding chair at the priest and grabbed the microphone and challenged the fake prostitutes to a no-holds barred cage match at La Lucha Libre Mania XVII. No word yet as to if the Faux-Ho pair have accepted the challenge but have said that they would love to meet Muerte for a drink to discuss the match.

Cuban Refugee

The Odessa Roughnecks indoor football team is under new ownership. The new owners, led by Midland businessman Dale Morris, have one goal and one goal only, Win! Many of the team's players and fans are excited about the fact that Morris, a die-hard Roughneck follower, will transfuse his enthusiasm from the stands to the front office of the struggling franchise. Morris is well known for being kicked out of a game before for his treatment of the officiating crew. After the initial transition from the previous owners, Morris says he must first, "figure out exactly what league we play in. Intense Football League, Xtreme Football League, Indoor Football League, hell I don't know which one it is." Second on Morris' list is to "not suck" which will be hard since the Roughnecks do in fact suck and sucking is the one thing they do well. "If sucking was a business we'd be rich" one player said recently. So, Morris has his hands full trying to turn things around for the newly re-named West Texas Roughnecks. Good luck, Dale. I'll be expecting tickets and beer.

What Took you so Long?

OK so it's been a slow month at The Satellite and I can't begin to apologize enough nor will I make excuses. But, I will offer this for my reason, I'm lazy. Most of you who know me will agree whole-heartedly. I'm like a department store Santa Claus after Christmas or a Time Square hooker on January 2nd. I just didn't feel like working. Oh, but watch out because now I'm rested and the gloves are off and like Brett Favre, I only came back for one thing and that is to win The Super Bowl. Speaking of Favre, even though The Vikings beat The Cowboys, I've been closely following him all year and I'm pulling for the old guy. I like to see some gray-haired quarterback showing all those young punks how it's done. Speaking of old, Happy Birthday Michelle Obama! Our First Lady has been a part of the world's population for 46 years now and still hasn't grown into those teeth. Yikes! You could open a can of Ranch Style Beans with those things. What else?...Oh, more old people in the news. Well, not old but dead. It was announced this week that Jimi Hendrix and Johnny Cash would be releasing new albums soon. I know, that's not really very impressive since dead guys have been putting out music for years. Hell, Nat King Cole even did a duet with his daughter after he died. What would be impressive is if Hendrix and Cash did an album together. I even have a title, "The Black Man and The Man in Black: Together at Last". I'd buy it! I mean what else is out there? There's been some fuss about someone named Ke$ha lately. I haven't actually heard the song but I can smell crap when crap is present. I do have 3 kids, so I have a good nose for feces and I'm quite sure that whatever this Ke$ha character is singing needs to be wiped up and put in the garbage. Which leads me to Jay Leno. NBC, the once respected and watched network, is moving Jay Leno back to his 11:30 EST spot and forcing Conan O'Brien to vacate the only time slot that The Tonight Show has ever known. This really isn't much of a surprise, after all this is the same network that brought you quality programs like, "Saved by the Bell" and not only the original "Knight Rider" but then they tried to sneak "Knight Rider 2000" by us like we wouldn't notice that it was the same ol' bag of frozen corn that they fed us in the 80s. Nevertheless, Leno has comedians in an uproar about his willingness to just have NBC cast Conan aside and unlike Brett Favre, he's one old grey-hair I hope crashes and burns.

The Religious Wrong

Nothing new really, but it seems that Rush Limbaugh has got himself in little hot water over some recent comments. The extreme right-wing, oxy contin user and otherwise fat pompous SOB said that President Obama is using the disaster in Haiti to look compassionate and humanitarian in order to bolster his standing with "light and dark skinned voters" in the U.S. His remarks, as usual, have everyone up in arms and even have Republicans running to distance themselves from the "Warlord Hut of Tatooine". Jesus-freak and TV preacher, Pat Robertson even chimed in with remarks anout Haiti saying that, "Haiti is cursed because they made a deal with the devil to free themselves from French rule" and now God is punishing them. Now, I'm all for offering my soul to the devil to get away from the French but how stupid is Pat Robertson. There would be riots and boycotts against "The 700 Club" if people actually knew it was on TV. Nevertheless, it's no wonder that people around the world can't stand us when we have idiots like Limbaugh and Robertson speaking their minds and spouting out stupidity.

She Loves Her Dick

Come join the celebration this weekend at The Overlea Event Center. Where Lisa Thompson will be honored for her undying, life-long love of Dick. Lisa grew up in Knoxville, TN. and first saw Dick at a school dance at age 13. Lisa was raised in a house full of girls and had never seen anything like Dick before, she was quickly infatuated with Dick and Dick seemed to like her very much as well. Throughout high school Lisa was never that far away from Dick. People used to say that if you ever saw Lisa she probably hand Dick right behind her. After high school, Lisa moved away from Knoxville and enrolled in The University of Kentucky to study psychology. She seemed to be enthralled in her study of Sigmund Freud, but she always had Dick on her mind. Upon graduating, Lisa moved to nearby Cincinatti. But not alone, she had Dick in hand and that is where Lisa has stayed commited to Dick ever since. So come celebrate or maybe just share a story about Lisa and Dick. We'll see you this Saturday.

Turning Tricks

A Dutch court has rejected compensation claims by a woman who sued her high school who allegedly didn't do all they could to stop her from becoming a prostitute. Maria Mosterd says that the school could have prevented her from joining the ranks of the world's oldest profession. She claims that pimps scoured the school to recruit the best girls and that the school did nothing to stop them. She also says the school didn't call her mother enough when she was truant from school and working on her knees all day. The school obviously denied any wrong-doing only stating that "Maybe we should just lock up all of the girls we think are whores". Mosterd and her legal team are expected to appeal the court's decision and Mosterd has offered the Judge "a little something in his chamber" if he re-thinks his ruling.

Going Commando

Hanes announced today that they have dropped Charlie Sheen from their ad campaign, citing the Christmas Eve arrest for domestic violence. The underwear company based in Winston-Salem, N.C. released a statement saying, "Given the publicity, it makes sense to not air those ads right now, for the company and for Mr. Sheen". A publicist for Sheen disagreed, "While we adamantly deny that Mr. Sheen has done anything wrong, it only makes sense to keep running those ads and make more as soon as possible" She went on to say, "Hanes should use this publicity to sell product and strike while the iron's hot". "We don't want to air Mr. Sheen's dirty laundry, but who better to sell wifebeaters than a real, true-life, alleged wifebeater." Sheen, the star of the CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men" and legendary Hollywood man-whore, has been doing Hanes ads for 2 years, often featured with Hall of Fame Basketball player and adulterer Michael Jordan.

The "Fur"st Lady

The organization that you love to hate is back in the news, and this time they're being accused of "Donkey Abuse". The "donkey" in question is actually our manly First Lady Michelle Obama a Democrat of course. PETA's new ad campaign shows The First Lady along with the self-anointed queen of all media, Oprah Winfery, stupidest woman in America, Tyra Banks and Country/Pop Diva and Tony Romo reject, Carrie Underwood all showing how women can still be rich, beautiful and powerful without resorting to murdering baby animals for their clothing. But, The White House isn't happy with Obama's image being used, a spokeswoman for The First Lady said this, "We did not consent to this". While Oprah, Banks and Underwood all have gone on record supporting the ad, Obama's spokeswoman says that "The First Lady did not endorse this ad and PETA should stop printing and broadcasting The First Lady's image". PETA says it will keep running the ad and distributing posters around New York City and other metropolitan areas. People close to The White House have said that The First Lady is without a doubt not fur-free, and that The President likes her that way. But that is a different story. When asked about the controversy, Oklahoma-born, Underwood, didn't really know what all the fuss is about, "I don't wear fur and I'm proud of it and don't care if everyone knows" she said. She went on to say, "Now, I'll eat the f*ck out of a squirrel but I won't ever use his hide for anything". Tyra Banks, on the other hand, only had this to say when asked about the Obama versus PETA fight, "I don't endorse having sex with children, we need to stop all of those PETAfiles out there making prey of little kids" PETA had no comment about Banks' statement.

Happy Birthday Gilbert Arenas

Today, NBA Commissioner, David Stern handed down an indefinite suspension without pay to, habitually injured, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas. The suspension is sure to cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars. Arenas, who allegedly pulled his gun on a teammate in the locker room, is still being investigated by Washington D.C. police and the league. Stern, who has been trying to clean up the league's image problem for years, was going to wait until the investigation was complete before ruling on any punishment. But when the Wizards visited Philadelphia their last game, Arenas was mocking the Commissioner by making his hand in the shape of a gun and shooting his teammates during introductions. After the game, being interviewed in the locker room, Arenas said that when this is over "someone is gonna owe me an apology". Well, the Commissioner had all he could take and called Arenas "unfit to play on an NBA court" then he dropped the hammer. So, here's to you on your 28th birthday Gilbert. You dumba$$!

Parent of the Year 2009

As most of you know, we here at The Satellite do our best to recognize the outstanding parents across America and there is no shortage of great role-models out there for children. So, after months of research and taking applications and nominations, we finally have our winner for "Parent of the Year 2009". We found Susan Wilson of Teaneck, N.J. this past April 23rd on "Take your Daughter/Son to Work Day" doing just that. Susan, a single mother of 3, took her middle child, Violet, out to see how Mommy supports the family. Susan is so committed to her family that she takes children to work almost everyday, not just on "Take your Daughter/Son to Work Day". While you might think that she's already gone above and beyond, there's more. Back at home, she's taught her 7 year old son, Reuben, to care for her 9 month old baby. That's the kind of life lessons that we should all strive to pass along to our children. So, here's to Susan Wilson and all of the other nominees. Congrats and keep up the good work.

Bowl Update

It's that time of year. The time we turn our attention to the tradition and the pageantry of college bowl games. We recently traveled to El Paso, TX and caught up with some devoted Sooner fans at the Sun Bowl. While it has been a disappointing season for The Sooners, you wouldn't know it by the behavior of these guys. With their white shirts and crimson letters that spelled out "OKLAHOMA" they absolutely were the most proud OU fans in the Sun Bowl. When asked about OU's up and down 2009 campaign, the first letter "A" said, "I'm not an OU fan, I'm just here to have a few beers and eat some menudo at my Tia's in the morning". The letter "K" said, "I don't even know these jerk-offs. They just gave me a shirt and a ticket in the parking lot and I figured I was safe because a couple of them were real Mexicans I think". We then did our best to find if any of these "fans" were actually OU fans, and it turns out that the letter "O" was a devoted Sooner fan. Although after talking to him, he also said he was a big Tampa Bay Buccaneer fan as well. Then we knew our theory of Sooner fans all being ignorant was true. Well, OU went on to beat Stanford 31-27 behind Landry Jones' 418 yards passing and a little help from the 8 guys in section C who were just a couple of guys short of being able to spell "DOUCHEBAGS". Maybe next year, huh? Boomer Sooner!

X-Men Orgins: Jewelverine

From the people who brought you "American Ninjew" and "Kung-Jew Panda" comes the most anticipated film of the year, "Jewelverine". Logan Horowitz was abducted by the Israeli military and used in experiments to try and strengthen national security and to protect all Jews from the Palestinian devils who torment them everyday. His bones were replaced with the precious metal menoram only found on the sacred Mount Zion in Israel and was made a killer. Now, he's on a mission to find who slaughtered his mishpocha with a car bomb in front of a Jerusalem

matzah ball cafe on Shabbat and won't stop until every uncircumcised mamzer from Haifa to Beersheba is dead. This Passover blood will stain every door and there won't be any gemilut chasadim. Daniel Stern is Jewelverine!

Everything's Rosie!

Rosie O'Donnell has a new woman in her life. Rosie has been spotted with Traci Kachtick-Anders, a Texas based artist, activist, single mother of 6 and obvious lesbian. Rosie has said that she has "grown tired of the single life" and the combination of Traci's 6 kids and Rosie's 4 makes life very interesting. O'Donnell says that Kachtick-Anders has all of the qualities that she looks for in a partner. She's active in the gay community, smart, sexy and loves to bake. No word on if Kachtick-Anders finds fat, annoying bitches attractive, but she must if she's in a relationship with Rosie. It is rumored that TLC is in negotiations with the couple to produce a new reality series tentatively titled "The Butch and The Bitch plus Ten", to replace the wildly popular "Jon & Kate" series. Ken Smart, a spokesperson for TLC, says, "We're looking for something that will keep people glued to their TVs and since we can't find it, we asked Rosie if she was interested." he went on to say, "I mean c'mon, she's a train-wreck" O'Donnell has denied the TLC rumors, only saying something incoherently when asked about it because she had a cupcake in her mouth. But the word is, O'Donnell is holding out for more money and more control over production rights. Smart says, "She really wants a platform to spread her lesbian agenda and to start feuds with people that are much more successful than she is so that she can somehow stay in the spotlight, like I said, what a train-wreck."