It's widely known that The Satellite deals with fiction, O.K., lies. We, I mean, I lie about everything. Sometimes, like me, the truth isn't funny, so it needs tweaked a little. But, with that being said, you can now count on me for the whole truth. Not forever, just right now. Call it, temporary honesty, with my cynical opinion attached. First up, Ted Nugent. The Motor City Madman recently went on Fox News Channel and called The President a "clueless communist". The reasons that nobody seemed to disagree or challenge him, One: Because it was Fox News, Two: Because he's Ted Nugent. Give 'em hell, Ted! Speaking of "clueless", disgraced figure skater, Tonya Harding got married this week. It was a very short engagement that started with Harding's fiancee on one knee. Word is still out though on whether he was actually proposing or just protecting himself from injury. On the subject of marriage, the beautiful Kate Hudson is engaged. She finally found someone in Hollywood that she hasn't slept with. The lucky man is some guy named Matt Bellamy, who is a singer for a band called Muse. I'm sure being as unfamous as he is, he's probably used to eating other bigger star's leftovers. Congrats, kids. Oh, there's another whore in the news. LeBron James has wrapped up all of his meetings with the teams that want his service. All 6 teams that "The King" met with have the same formula in mind, sign Lebron and fail miserably in the playoffs. History doesn't lie. On to a lesser known sports figure. Titans back-up QB and former Texas Longhorn, Chris Simms was arrested in New York for suspicion of smoking marijuana and driving at the same time. Simms' attorney adamantly denied the charges and said that Simms was only smoking a cigarette. He also said that Simms, who had his family in the car with him, would not be smoking marijuana around his kids. So, I guess a professional athlete smoking a cigarette in a car with his kids is a little more believable. Nah, not really. Lastly, as we reported this week, Japanese Competitive Eater, Kobayashi, did not compete in this year's Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island because of a contract dispute. That, by itself is ridiculous enough. But, the fact that Kobayashi showed up at the contest, tried to walk on stage and then was arrested is enough to think that somehow Vince McMahon was involved and goes to show that only in America can a man be arrested for walking on to a stage where someone has just eaten 54 hot dogs in a matter of minutes. Hope you had a great 4th. God Bless America and all that sh*t. It's the truth.
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