Candian Bacon

On a recent excursion to the pharmacy to pick up my monthly supply of Vicodin, I ran into a gentleman that caught my eye. At first, it was his unusual hairstyle that got my attention, but when I noticed that he was on the verge of purchasing condoms, I just had to stop and inquire. Call me nosey or just curious, but I had to know what or who exactly would be having sex with a guy with that haircut. So I asked. When he answered me with "nobody" I wasn't at all surprised but it did raise my already high curiosity level. So I asked then what he would be needing condoms for. After he corrected my English and told me not to end a sentence with a preposition, I knew he had to be Canadian. Then he answered my question, "I'm going to line a toilet paper roll with raw bacon and..." I stopped him there, not wanting the full picture of what he was up to. Later that day, I couldn't help but to think about Canadians and their undying love for bacon, so I sent our Canadian Correspondent Howard Hoffman out onto the streets of Edmonton to find out once and for all, "What do Canadians love more, bacon or sex?"

Howard: Canadians are just as consumed by what is sizzling in the kitchen as they are with what's cooking in the bedroom. When asked to choose between bacon or sex, 43% of the Canadians that The Satellite surveyed chose the pork treat over porking. While that statistic says a lot aboot our quality of sex, it says volumes aboot our quality of bacon.

What is it about this fatty, salty, nitrate-laden meat that we find so irresistible, even when so much of food culture today is centered on healthy eating? Well, Ron Franklin of Edmonton said, "It just tastes better than my wife and it doesn't have to be cuddled afterward". Men are particularly enamoured of bacon, according to our survey, some 18 per cent said they can't survive without it, some days. "I'd agree with that. There are some days I just have to have it. It's true," admits Mark Armstrong, a marathon runner, machinist, diehard bacon lover and member of the recently formed World Bacon Council, a collection of bacon-loving Edmonton foodies who gather to taste-test bacon in their homes twice weekly. Armstrong added, "Listen, I've been married 19 years, 10 of them happily, so I haven't even had sex since my wife got drunk at last year's Christmas party and thought I was Mark Messier. But bacon, I can get it whenever I want. I love bacon so much that I've started befriending Muslims, because I know they won't come over to my house and eat my bacon."

We found that Canadians love bacon so much that here in Alberta recently they bestowed Honorary Citizenship to American actor Kevin Bacon. But even though his name is Bacon, most of the people we surveyed still wouldn't have sex with him.

Reporting from Edmonton, Alberta. I'm Howard Hoffman, Good day and God Save The Queen!