Suburban Gangsta

Here at The Satellite of Love we are committed to hardcore journalism. We try our best to keep you informed and safe in these unsettling times. So, today in our continuing series "Suburban Gangsta" we take you to Auburn Hills, Michigan, where we find Jesse Fullerton. Jesse, or as his friends call him "White Jezzy", is a 13 year old with an insatiable appetite for Monster Energy Drinks, SlimJims and playing with his dad's unloaded pistol. White Jezzy is best known in his neighborhood as the kid who tried to steal a Slurpee machine from a local 7-11, claiming that the brain freeze that the GI Joe Cobra Commander Blueberry Rush was what keeps him from "putting a cap" in his parents. When we asked White Jezzy about the incident he said, "Yo man, I wanted that Slurpee thing , man. That woulda been da shiznick". Jesse is obsessed with what he calls "swag" or high dollar items that show his social standing. While most "Suburban Gangstas" would claim their automobile as their most prized possession, Jezzy is too young to drive and has been grounded from his bike for the last 2 weeks. So he proudly pulls out his mother's vacuum cleaner and screams "Dat's a Dyson b*tch!" He insisted that we take pictures and then we were rushed out the backdoor as Jezzy's parents were returning from a couples Bunco night down at the end of the cul-de-sac and since he was grounded he didn't want anymore trouble. Hard-hitting! Award-winning. Fair and Balanced. That's the kind of reporting we do best.