Boxing Day News

Several retailers face fines for their infractions against Boxing Day by-laws in many Canadian cities. With Boxing Day falling on Sunday this year, many stores had to wait until noon to open their doors to consumers, this in appliance with Sunday shopping laws. While some rebellious store owners got a jump on Boxing Day sales by opening their doors early and reaping the benefits. John LeClaire, manager of Canadian Eagle Outfitters, said "Screw the silly law, eh" he went on to say, "You tell those hosers that were trying to make a few looneys around here, eh and if I can sell 20 parkas before the next store, then I will. I mean what are they gonna do, send some Mounties down here to shoot me? No, because they don't have any guns, eh." But opening early didn't mean that much to some customers. Phil Hansen, of Toronto, waited outside The Curling Store in a line for 2 hours to score a great deal on a new curling pot and a couple of nice brooms, "I got this pot here and a these brooms for aboot 300 dollars, eh". When we asked the original price of his purchase, he scratched his head and said, "I don't really know, eh. Let's go get a Moltson and a jelly-filled". Obviously, Boxing Day by-laws don't prohibit Canadians from drinking at any time of the day.

Takin' Back the Horns

Dee Snider is on a mission. The Twisted Sister frontman is out to reclaim the "sign of the horns" from all that have mis-used it and dragged it through the dirt. Snider claims that corporate America and ignorant douchebags all over our fine country have stolen the once proud sign of metalheads everywhere and made a mockery of it. At Snider's website www.takebackthehorns.com he discusses the orgins of "the horns" which he says was started by Ronnie James Dio. He also points the finger at Bon Jovi for the demise of "the horns" and the complete pussification of metal in the 90s. I believe that Snider would go as far as blaming Bon Jovi for the national debt and the shortage of Zhu Zhu Pets at Christmas this year if he could. At press time, we were not sure how Snider was going to go about reclaiming "the horns" but we're pretty confident that he'll hurt someone if that's what it takes.

Self Motivation

Reader's Poll 2009

It's that time of year when everyone has their own "Best of" lists and also being the end of another decade, we're seeing a multitude of "best" and "worst" of the decade lists. Well, we obviously care very little about the opinions of movie and music critics, or stiff newsmen and what they think. So, we contacted almost all 3 of our readers and conducted our own poll. And by a landslide, 2/3rds of our readers picked us as "Website of the Year". I just want to send out a "Thanks" from all of our staff here at The Satellite and hopefully we can keep this momentum rolling into 2010. Thanks again!

...and Knowing is Half the Battle

Here at the Satellite of Love, we care about the community and all of the less fortunate souls who are not as smart or as beautiful as we are. So, we're announcing our new partnership with The Department of Education to make more significant strides in math and science in our elementary schools. Eduardo Perez-Silva, Superintendent of Schools in Hanford, CA., says, "We welcome any kind of help in our schools. Because, most of the kids here are quite stupid." He then goes on to say, "Kids in our schools are pretty happy just to learn to read. They read a couple of books and then they think they're ready to get a job and be a functioning member of society. It all goes back to their parents. Stupid kids come from stupid parents. It's a viscous cycle" In our 3 months working with children, through this new program, we at The Satellite have helped at least 3 kids, and as we pointed out in our math tutorial, that is a whopping 1 kid per month average. Nice job! Just 2 long weeks ago Michael could barely count to bean much less all the way to potato. Way to go Mike! Our goal is to have more kids counting to potato in America by the year 2020 than any of our Asian brothers across the Pacific. And I tend to believe that is goal that is very attainable. A spokesperson for the Minister of Studies and Higher Eduction in Japan denied our multiple requests for an interview stating, "I don't even know what The Saterite of Ruv is, please quit reaving messages on my voicemail" I think they might be shaking in their boots a little.

362 Shopping Days Left

Christmas and the over-spending, over-eating and over-indulgence is now only a memory. But, I'll still be feeling the affects for a while. My Christmas hangover includes about 10 bags of trash that I couldn't fit in my dumpster, 2 Christmas trees that need to be put away, more toys in my house than my kids know what to do with and an ever-expanding waist-line, to name a few. But, as always, it was full of family and friends and all the merriment that I could stand. I had my in-laws for 5 days, including my brother-in-law and his girlfriend staying with us. Which is always nice but even better when they go home. We also had a super visit with an old friend that didn't need a place to sleep and those are usually the kind of guests that I like best. Now, I don't mind house guests too much, but they sure use a lot of damn dishes and enough hot water to boil a whale every morning. They are good for some things though, like my father-in-law did some computer work for me and my mother-in-law tried her best to feed everyone without killing them with green roast beef and expired salad dressing. So, I'll let them come back next time. I did receive my yearly bag of Twizzlers and a couple of t-shirts that I bought for myself and that was nice of me. But, my biggest surprise was a very simple CD that Laura gave me. I know it had to kill her to actually buy a Rush CD for me but she did and the fact that she had to guess as to which one of their albums I didn't have was amazing. She must have closed her eyes and followed it with a chaser when she bought "2112" and the remastered copy to boot. Nice, huh? Anyway, I'm glad it's over and I'll be glad when it's back again, even though I'll find some reason to complain. Until then I'll continue to do my best at trying to make you laugh by making fun of things that are gonna get me sent straight to a very warm after-life and an undeniable chance at embarrassment. Up the Irons!

Merry Christmas

Everyone gets a little crazy on their birthday and the Son of God is no exception. Jesus, our Lord and Savior, was starting early today. He was spotted leaving a New York nightclub early this morning with 2 young women. Only to be back on the streets of New Orleans, with his endless goblet of wine, not 2 hours later. It is rumored that The King of Jews will be taking his birthday party roadtrip to his hometown of Bethlehem to hang with some of his old school homies before a night of debauchery in Paris. That's Hilton, not France. Then it's back to work the next morning causing natural disaters and war around the world. Happy Birthday Big Guy!

This Day in History

This day in history, December 25, 1862. Nathaniel "Nat" West, a freed slave living in Vermont traveled to Washington D.C. to attend a speech given by President Abraham Lincoln. West, who was clearly the first in a great line of douchebags that would span generations, became agitated expecting the President to announce his plans to free all slaves. When Lincoln did not, West calmly walked on stage to address the crowd gathered, saying, "I'll let you finish in a minute and I know you be the President and all but, James Buchanan would have done freed all the slaves by now. He was the best President of all-time". What West did not know is that just one week later Lincoln would make law "The Emancipation Proclamation", which he had been working on for 6 months. West's outburst almost swayed Lincoln's decision to free the slaves. Dr. James MacDonald, professor of History at GFNU states, "Lincoln was visibly upset over the Nat West incident. It was said that Lincoln almost threw out The Emancipation Proclamation thinking if all Negros acted like that when they were free, then we might as well keep them chained." But, Lincoln did keep his promise of freeing all slaves in the U.S. despite West. While Lincoln went on to become one of the greatest Presidents in our history, West enlisted in the Army and was sent to the frontlines to fight in the war. After his Commanding Officer became annoyed with him, he was left behind by his brigade in the middle of the night as he slept.He was then captured by Confederate troops in June of 1863, sent to Georgia and was made a slave...again! He was killed by his owner after interupting one too many times, but not before getting his wife pregnant so that we could all feel his pain over 100 years later through the voice of his Great-Great-Great Granchild, Kanye West.

Gratuity Not Included

More bizzare happenings in the Tiger Woods drama today, as Mary Redding, a waitress at Denny's in Athens, GA, says that she is "pissed" and is on the hunt for some Tiger. You might think that Ms. Redding is just another one of Tiger's alleged mistresses, but you'd be wrong. Redding who once waited on Tiger's table at Denny's in

2007 is upset at the golfer for not having an affair with her. "I saw on the news that all of these waitresses and such were coming out saying that they slept with Tiger." she then added, "I tried coming on to him back in '07 and he refused." "He said he was married and didn't do that sorta thing." Well, Redding accepted Tiger's response to her flirting. While it burned, she still gained respect for Woods and his unbroken vows of marriage. But, now she knows it was a lie and she's heading to Florida to find out why he would do such a thing. "I'm gonna find him. Mark my words. I'll hunt him down if I have to, but he's got some explaining to do"

Return of the Jihad

A special production of "Star Wars" is in the works from Al Qaida, in yet another effort to boost troop morale on the frontlines in Afghanistan. Osama Bin Laden has asked all citizens who are not fighting to volunteer in some way. Twenty-two women showed up at an open casting call, all coveting the role of Princess Leia. While most were turned away or killed for showing too much wrist, these 5 beautiful women will compete to be the leading lady. After a winner is announced, the remaining 4 were promised roles as Jawas. It is rumored that Bin Laden, himself, may take on the role of Obi Wan Kenobi, but only after some minor script changes. Chief Screenwriter, Abdul Salam Azini says, "We want Osama's character, Obi Wan, to kill the evil Sith Lord Barack and then fly his x-fighter spacecraft thing, loaded with C4, into the heart of the Death Star on a suicide mission that will earn him 1000 virgins." Azini then went on to say "Praise Allah!" and "Death to America" and we were escorted off the set.

Self Motivation

Death Becomes Her

Nobody ever accused Brittany Murphy of being a great actress and now they probably never will. Murphy died on Sunday, much to the surprise of her family and her 6 fans. Murphy, 32, is probably best known as the girl that Eminem f*cks in his semi-biopic film "8 Mile". Although, she was in many films that left no impression on viewers, including "Uptown Girls", "Little Black Book" and "Just Married". Using good looks and her awesomely perky... personality throughout her career landed her a role in the big budget blockbuster "Sin City", only to have those good looks over-shadowed by Jessica Alba. Even though she wasn't the first or last woman that Jessica Alba made look horribly normal, it was very noticeable that she was in a slump. Brittany refused to give up though. She worked non-stop for the next 2 years making every B-list movie that small time directors could throw at her and continued perfecting her craft with 226 episodes of "King of the Hill", where she voiced the character of Luanne flawlessly. Brittany, you will be missed...by somebody.

Get Your Captain On

In Nairobi today, Somalian pirates finally released a Geek-owned ship and its' 21 crew members after 45 long days. It was just the latest move by the pirates to "soften" their image. Rick Wisenhut, who works for the PR firm that was hired by the pirates explains, "We want to clean up the image of the pirates, because from an early age we're taught that pirates are bad. They drink, pillage, rape and even kill. Well that's not entirely true. Pirates are people too. They have feelings and don't want all of this negative publicity. It only helps to further the stereotype that all pirates are bad." Also, Barack Obama entertained a captain of a Somalian ship today at the White House. In a show of good faith the captain offered a barrel of rum and a small bag of his booty to the President. Obama, who was clearly impressed, then offered the captain and his crew free health care. "This was a big move for us" said Wisenhut, "that's the kind of publicity we need."

Sign Language

I have no idea what that means. But, I'm off for a few days so I don't care. See ya on Wednesday.

Local Fireman Saves City

News from San Angelo, TX was not so joyful today. A giant 40-foot red-headed woman invaded the small Texas town located on the Concho River. After communication was established by authorities, the giant only had one demand. She was hungry. City officials tried everything, from a tanker truck full of decaf mocha latte to a trailer packed with five dollar footlongs. But it wasn't enough to satisfy the insatiable hunger of the wicked beast. In a moment of anger and desperation the giant picked up a group of firemen to devour. All of the firemen and maybe the whole city would have been lost if not for the courage and valor of one of the firemen. Max Childress, who has been with the fire department for a decade, yelled to the giant "Take me and leave the others!" The giant obliged and ate the 35 year-old father of 2 and husband. But after tasting how cold and bitter the brave fireman was she choked and fell to her death crushing the Wal-Mart in the process. Plans have already been made to construct a memorial to honor the horrible tasting fireman who saved San Angelo, but not before a new Wal-Mart is built.

5 More Shopping Days!

Kids. Your Dad doesn't want a tie or pair of socks. He doesn't want a book, a wallet or a pocket knife. Bust open that piggy bank you stingy b*stard, you know you've got some Tooth Fairy money and get your little butt all bundled up and go down to the corner and get the old man something he'll really enjoy. Oh, and clean your damn room.

Who Dat? Oh, it's Da Boys!

Well, the Cowboys almost pulled defeat from the jaws of victory Saturday night in New Orleans. In typical Cowboy fashion they tried everything they could to lose against the undefeated Saints. A big night from Miles Austin, a great game by Romo and a couple of tough touchdown runs by Marion Barber just didn't seem like enough to over-come the drops of Roy Williams and the missed 24 yarder by Nick Folk. But DeMarcus Ware sealed the deal with a huge sack on the second to last play of the game. Insuring Drew Brees would not get off the winning pass. Is all of the can't win a big game in December talk over? Probably not. But, at least Cowboy fans can breath a sigh of relief for one more week and being a Cowboys fan I also know that disappointment is only a game away.

A Double Douche Christmas

With the passing of the great Patrick Swayze this year and Christmas fast approaching. I thought it would be fitting to re-live a memory from a Christmas past. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas" was one of the best holiday songs ever recorded. Originally aired December 21, 1991. From episode 321 "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" it was written by Mike Nelson and carried out to comic perfection by Joel, Tom Servo and Crow.

Open your hearts and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in/We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin/And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing/We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing/Oh let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year/or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear/It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar/I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you b*stards touch my car/I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till/I think that right jolly old elf better make out his will/Oh let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all/and this can be the haziest/this can be the laziest/this can be the Swayziest Christmas of the all.

Coming to Theaters

This Hanukkah in theaters everywhere, except overly-populated Muslim neighborhoods, from Executive Producer Mel Gibson, comes "American Ninjew". Joaquin Pheonix stars in this action-adventure as Ishmail Finkelstein, a Jewish kid who grew up in Nebraska and was teased and ridiculed by all the Christian kids in his small farming community. Escaping to New York City as an adult, he learns that the Big Apple is full of Arabs who harbor even more hatred than the farmboys back home. He then is taught the ways of Jew-jitsu from an elderly hotdog stand owner played by Woody Allen and sets out to crush all the anti-semetic evildoers in New York one turbin at a time. Gene Shalat says "SHALOM!" and Roger Ebert gives "American Ninjew" 2 thumbs, a circle snap and a pelvic thrust. This December "the dreidel will rock".

6 More Shopping Days

That's right 6 more days. While were on the subject of gifts, we at The Satellite want to offer a quick holiday gift giving tip. When giving pets to your children at Christmas, be sure not to leave it in a bag hiding in your closet. If you have no others options, use a bag that's not clear. It will cut down on the creepiness factor. Just a little public service we like to provide. Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah.

Nature is a Real Mother

The news from Copenhagen was a little too late today. President Obama said that The United States, China and several European nations had reached an "unprecedented breakthrough" to curb greenhouse gas emissions in order to curb global warming. But little did they know that in the small small town of Carl Junction, MO. Mother Nature had her own plans. The "Tornainbow" unleashed its' own "unprecedented breakthrough" on the innocent citizens of Carl Junction. Dazzling them with its' beauty and then sucking them up and tossing them miles from their homes along with cattle and automobiles. A professor and climate expert from The University of Missouri at Columbia had this to say after seeing the destruction, "Oh, we're f*cked. We're so f*cked and we don't even know how f*cked we are" No one can say when or where the next "Tornaindow" might strike but authorities are warning against going outside to look at rainbows. It may be your last.

Ramblings from The Satellite

The legendary and very funny, British author, Kingsley Amis once said "There is little point in writing if you don't annoy someone." or something like that. Like many great writers, Amis was a professional drinker and a womanizer. Well-educated and well-versed, he wrote more than 20 novels. Now, unlike Amis, I am not a great drinker nor am I a womanizer but I do my best to annoy the hell out of you. I like to think that annoy rhymes with enjoy for a reason. Things aren't always peaches and cream nor are the Peaches & Herb and I can't help but to piss some people off and have them shake their heads when they read what un-Godly thing I might have written. I'm sure there are plenty of people who pray for my soul every night and I appreciate that, really. I'm gald someone is thinking of me enough to worry about my well-being here and in the afterlife. I hope I can reach my full potential of annoyance before I die. Up till now I've only scratched the surface. So, here's to Kingsley Amis. I only wish to ramble in your wake Sir.

Into The Shredder

I realized that it has been a long time since we shredded anyone. We've just been so pre-occupied with the holidays that we've neglected our duties and by God, The Shredder is hungry. Today, Chris Henry the troubled wide reciever for the Cincinati Bengals died from injuries suffered during a domestic dispute. The often arrested Henry has been making headlines since college at West Virginia. His coach, Rich Rodriguez called him "an embarassment". After being drafted by the Bengals he continued to embarass with a string of arrests and suspensions. December 15, 2005, while being pulled over for speeding police found marijuana in Henry's shoe. He also had no valid driver's licence or insurance. He served no jail time. One month later, arrested in Orlando on gun charges including aggravated assault. He served no jail time. April 29, Henry while partying at a hotel in Kentucky allowed 3 underage girls to drink. One even accused him of sexual assault. He was sentenced to 90 days and served 2 of them. June 3rd, Henry was pulled over in Ohio for driving under the influence. He served no jail time. The list continues with Violation of probation, assault and whatever else he didn't get caught doing. After the NFL suspended him, he returned and impressed his teammates and coaches. They say he had turned his life around since he hadn't been arrested in a year. Whoopty-Do!! Well, trouble always finds guys like Chris Henry and guys like Chris Henry always find trouble. On December 16th, Chris was involved in a domestic dispute with his fiancee'. She sped off in her pick-up and henry jumped into the bed of the truck only to be thrown out. He later died from his injuries. So, Chris Henry you finally have been sentenced and you WILL be serving time for this one. To The Shredder witcha'. See you in Hell and save a seat for Pacman.

7 More Shopping Days!

You think your kids have everything and you don't see the point in buying yet another useless piece of plastic. Well my friend, they don't have Jihad Joe. Choose from many of your favorite characters; Osama, the leader or Ahmed, Osama's right hand man. Maybe your looking for the comic relief that only Maleec, Osama's fat second cousin, can only provide. Whatever your looking for, the fun starts and ends with Jihad Joe. Each Jihad Joe figure comes with a cyanide capsule and vest made of C4. It'll blow your kids away! Also, at the push of a button your Jihad Joe says hundreds of your favorite catch-phrases like; "Praise Allah" and "Death to America". Think of the family fun that only Osama can deliver. You take Osama and hide him somewhere in the house and have your kids try to find him. When they start getting close, you move him to another location. The possibilities are endless, It'll take years for your children to find Osama. Brought to you by the people who gave you The Taliban Girls Dress-Up Kit and the world famous mystery board game, Pakistani Presidential Assassination. Availible now for Christmas and Hanukka. What are you waiting for? Quanities are limited

so capture one now!

Parental Guidance?

That baby is not even in a high-chair! C'mon, that is a complete lack of parenting skills. Everyone knows that when you're lighting a smoke for a drinking baby, they should be properly restrained so they won't fall. That's Parenting 101 man.

...and menudo on weekends

Hungy in the morning and no time to sit down and eat? Catch the Brackfas Burrito van on Florida Street between 6 am and 11 am. Choose from sauceage, bakeon, chorezo or ham. They have all the porck you'd ever want. Add cheez or halypenos. I guarantee it'll be the best burrito you'll ever eat. Just knock 3 times and ask for Pepe. Brackfas es muy delicioso!

All About the Benjamins

Sources close to The Obama Administration have leaked that The President will name Ludacris as the new Chairman of the Federal Reserve this week. A White House spokesman, who will remain anonymous, said "We tried to get Jay-Z or Diddy because they have so much money, but they had other endeavors. We then saw that Luda had a t-shirt with Ben Franklin on it and decided he had to be the one." He then pointed out that "The President pays attention to these sort of details." It was also rumored that Luda's song "Chicken & Beer" could be heard blaring from the Oval Office late yesterday afternoon.

Loving the Alien

Paramount has just released several unedited outakes from the original Star Trek series on DVD just in time for Christmas. Full of behind the scenes shennanigans and tomfoolery from all the crew members of the Enterprise. Loaded with never-before-seen footage and interviews with the cast. In this scene from the aptly named episode "A Piece of the Action" from January 12, 1968, we see Shatner being serviced by an extra, only to be pushed aside by DeForrest Kelley. Kelley is heard saying "They don't call me Bones for nothin' man" making refrence to his character Dr. McCoy's nickname. Ha! Comedy be thy name DeForrest. This is just a small portion of what these un-earthed treasures have to offer. So, get yourself into warp drive and order now!

Jihad Bells

Protesters took to the streets of Taluqan, Afghanistan today to send their Christian message; "Jesus won't think twice. He will kill you dead". The group of former Islamic extremists are trying to convert as many people to Christianity as they can before Christmas Eve. "Christ is a cold-blooded killer" said Abdur Rahman. "I realized that Allah did not even come close to Jesus when it came to ruthlessness and hatred, so I converted" he said. Mohmand Pashtun, who was holding his new Bible close to his AK-47, added "Allah is a liar. He promises virgins and and all kinds of things. But he never delivers" Mohmand went on to say, "Jesus is very honest, he says that if you don't love him, he will kill you. That is the kinda straight-forward, honest savior I'm looking for. Listen, I want all my enemies to go to hell and burn as they deserve and that's a check that Jesus can write and you can cash. Allah's account is over-drawn and he's broke". Tomorrow, Abdur, Mohmand and the rest of the protesters will be going to the Kunduz Children's Hospital to deliver Zhu Zhu Pets and a message to all of the children from Jesus; "Jesus loves the little children, but you will die a thousand horrible deaths of you don't love Him" and of course, "Death to America"

8 More Shopping Days!

Still looking for a last minute present that will blow your wife or girlfriend away? Look no further than Dil-Brush! Dil-Brush will give that special lady in your life the satisfaction she's looking for first thing in the morning. She'll come out of the bathroom smiling from ear to ear and her teeth will be white also. It doesn't matter which task she chooses to do first with this multi-tool. We've combined several years of self-love research with the knowledge of at least 2 dentists to come up with this gem. What are you waiting for? Get a Dil-Brush now!

15 More Shopping Days Left

Got a music lover in the family? Well, there are thousands of choices out there if you just want that regular ol' Christmas gift. But, if you're looking for something that will blow them away, then pick up a copy of Bell Biv Dafoe. It's that New Jack Swing sound that you love with just a touch of weird white guy. Also, you can catch BBD live New Year's Eve with Carrot Top at The Algonquin Casino and Resort in The Hamptons. Call Roberta at the Montauk Senior Center for more information.

Sign Language

I don't know who Geert is, but he better not show up today. I think he pissed someone off.

16 More Shopping Days Left

New! From the people who brought you great products like Clear Sunglasses and the wildly popular Mute Headphones. It's Backwards Hat. Yes, Backwards Hat is here. Are you tired of annoying hat bills blocking the sun from your eyes? Then you need Backwards Hat. Backwards Hat is made just like a traditional cap, only backwards. We took the out-dated design of caps, which has been worn out for decades and changed it for the better. Steven Wilson of Chicago, IL says, "Now I can see everything. My arm is a little tired but I LOVE Backwards Hat, It's amazing" Also available, Sideways Hat for that Gangsta look that you've been searching for.

Strange Days Indeed

Today marks the 29th anniversary of John Lennon's death. The world lost a hero that day when Mark David Chapman shot Lennon 4 times in the back. You might have not agreed with Lennon on alot of things, but nobody stood up for what he believed like Lennon did. His stances were not always popular with the status-quo and that was just fine with him. He was threatened with deportation and jail-time, but Lennon had conviction like no other. Unlike some other "Rockstars" or "Musicians" who met an untimely death, Lennon earned his iconic status with legendary music and performances that have been branded in the minds of all who saw them. He was making history before MTV, TMZ and the internet glorified anyone and everyone that they might consider a star. The Beatles, as we know them, were only recording records for about 7 or 8 years. That's a drop in the bucket when compared to the impact that they made on music and society. Once they disbanded, he began a successful solo career. Making music that he wanted, that sent a message. Something that was hard to do earlier with the machine that was The Beatles. Lennon once said, "I don't know what will go first, rock & roll or Christianity". Neither are changing for the better and 29 years ago we lost a soldier of truth.

Finger Lickin' Good

That's true. But then we eat the f*ck out of it. God Bless You Colonel Sanders.

The Emperor's New Clothes

A new Emperor has finally been chosen. Out of thousands of applicants, Ashley Green from San Angelo TX was hand-picked for the throne of all that is evil and dark. Here we see Imperial Stormtroopers leading the young Sith Lord through Sunset Mall in San Angelo. Her mother, Paula Green, knew she was destined for evil, "She has been mutilating our family pets since she was 3 months old. We knew then she was special". "Then when she "accidentally" severed her father's head off with a Hanna Montana hairbrush, we sent in her application to the Empire". Ashley's first order of business will be overseeing the construction of a space station that really is indestructible. Then she has vowed to keep Guantanamo Bay open at any cost. But not before she goes to the potty and has a nap.

Parental Guidance?

Maria Consuela Gonzales-Sanchez makes sure her daughter Selena doesn't catch any "Gringo Germs" at Wal-Mart by placing a plastic bag over her head. I believe Selena would have been safer being left out in the car. Here's to you Maria Consuela Gonzales-Sanchez, your parenting skills are "muy sucko grande"

19 Shopping Days Left

Still looking for that special, last minute gift for your loving wife. Sometimes it's hard to put into words just exactly how you feel about her. Well, my friend look no further, a W.I.F.E. t-shirt is all you need. It's even made by wives from 3rd world countries that benefit from our nation's policy of finding the cheapest labor possible overseas. It's made from 100% cotton and is also available in pink. The W.I.F.E. shirt is guaranteed to get an instant reaction from your spouse. And for you ladies, Don't forget our new H.U.S.B.A.N.D. shirt H-orny, U-seless, S-orry, B-astard, A-nd, N-o-good, D-ouchebag. Available in pink as well. So, don't just sit there. Order now!

The Reason for The Season

Turn or Burn. That was the message being sent out yesterday on the streets of Los Angeles. Gary Beckett, shown here, reminds passers-by that Jesus loves them but if you don't love him back you will suffer in the flames of Hell for eternity. It's the kinda "unconditional love" only the Son of God can give. Beckett, a self-described "Man of God", routinely beats his children for not saying their prayers correctly at night. "I want them to know the kind of pain and wrath they will feel if they don't do what The Lord Jesus Christ our Savior expects them to do" Beckett said. He then insisted that God created AIDS to rid the world of homosexuals and even though he was a loving God he did have his limits.

Sign Language

Apparently, the saying is wrong. Because sometimes it just doesn't happen.

It's Hard Out There for a Pimp

Times are tough for everyone. Even the O.G.s have it bad. Shaq is getting divorced. Nobody wants Allen Iverson. Lil Wayne is going to the pen. The only guy making worse movies than Eddie Murphy is Ice Cube. It's bad enough that were starting to consider Jay-Z as a good role model. And now 17 Bucks is a gangsta as this kid could get. 17 Bucks! I mean c'mon man, if he's got 17 then some kid with 12 bucks is gonna pop a cap in him and his 29 dollars will rule the neighborhood until he has to go by diapers for his baby girl. Then he's only got like 5 bucks left and is back to the bottom of the food chain. I sure am glad Barack Obama is on the job fixing this mess.

...and Here we Go!

Well, I'm back after a couple of days off and ready to hit the final stretch of 2009. We need to catch up and then we'll try to pick up the pace. Hmm, let's see? Tiger Woods. What started as a weird driveway accident has turned into a media blitz, turning Tiger into Public Enemy #1. It seems that Eldrick has been playing ALOT of extra holes to improve his game. Tiger is now the greatest golfer in the world and the worst husband in America. A dual accomplishment that could only be pulled off by a select few. It's like Kevin Costner said in "Tin Cup", "You can define the moment or you can let the moment define you". Well, Tiger's moment is kicking his a$$. How about The Commander-in-Chief, Obama defies the rest of his party and is sending more troops to Afghanistan. With his Socialist agenda at home and his Army readying for battle, I'd say he's well on his way to becoming the next Stalin. Now, I'm all for more troops but, with his failures mounting I'd say were half way through the Obama Years. Speaking of failures. It's December and the Dallas Cowboys are in first place. The Boys haven't had a winning record in December since 1996. 1996! Maybe, starting with the Giants this Sunday they can reverse that trend. If not, "Skeletor" Jones may be showing Wade Phillips the door out of Valley Ranch and onto a list that includes Chan Gailey and Dave Campo as "Bafoons who Coached The Cowboys". Lastly, Amanda Knox was finally convicted in Italy this week. She will serve 26 years for her part in killing her roommate by slashing her throat in a threesome gone bad. That will probably be the worst and most memorable sex she will ever have. See ya in 26 years Amanda. Come on back to America when you're out, we'll getcha a book deal and a TV movie. Ciao for now.

A Few Days Off

It's December, and as you can plainly see I've been neglecting my inbox. So, I need to pay bills and answer threatning letters and weed through tons of hate mail. I wish my wife would stop sending me those. Anyway, see you in a few days.

-SOL