24 Shopping Days Left

Crowds swarm Circuit City in Kandahar trying to get their hands on the latest music and electronics. Nader Afshar, who is visiting his in-laws and collecting some goats while in town from Jalalabad is searching through CDs trying to find the new release from Cat Stevens. "I just love that song Peace Train, it makes me feel...uh how you say? Uh...full of hatred towards Americans" Others agreed with Nader and fired their AK-47s into the air destroying the ceiling. After cleaning the debris and selling some opium to young man, store manager Amir Abbas exclaimed "Praise Allah" and "Death to America". We realized then that the store would be closing soon. We quickly made our purchase and proceeded to the nearest exit.

We Don't Need Another Hero

Children in Havana got a treat today. Every Cuban child's favorite hero "Tampon Man" visited some of the less fortunate neighborhoods around town. "Tampon Man", known for standing up against American tyrants, protecting Cuban children and preventing bloodshed, and his side-kick "Toallas" were greeted with the chant of "TAM-PON-ES, TAM-PON-ES" when they were spotted coming down the street. Here, 4 year old Elian asks Tampon Man "Donde esta la string". He will be making one last appearance in Mantanzas before heading back to his home in Holguin to roll cigars for the winter.

Parental Guidance?

It's a good thing that little girl has her daddy with her. You wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. Great job dude, grab a lime and take a shot off of the stripper's breast cuz you are failing at this parent thing most heinously.

What is it Good For?

President Obama is expected to announce an increase in troops for the ongoing war in Afghanistan Tuesday. Even though some members of his party disagree. The increase could be upwards of 35,000. We sent a reporter to Obama's hometown of Chicago to get some feedback and opinions from the street but we have yet to recieve any word back from him, only this picture. We are not sure if these are Obama supporters going to enlist in the Armed Forces or if they are against The President's decision and just want to f*ck someone up. Needless to say, we could use some of these scrappy young lads in the fight against terrorism.

Little Known Fact of the Day

Today in music news. Diddy found a dollar hiding in his pocket. While most of us would find great joy in discovering a little extra cash, Diddy was rushed to the hospital. A spokeman for Diddy said that "he is doing fine". "It's been a long time since he'd seen one of those and it kinda scared him". Diddy was released and is expected to make a full recovery.

This Meat Tastes Funny

A case of 9 missing clowns at a Tulsa, OK. circus stop has taken a bizzare twist today. The clowns were reported missing before a scheduled show Saturday and seemed to have just vanishied. Many circus patrons were upset that they had to sit through the whole performance with no clowns. John "Sitting Bear" Harvey drove over an hour from Miami, OK, "I knew something was wrong, everytime that you'd expect to see a clown, they would do The Globe of Death". "I saw the Globe of Death like 12 times today" he said. Police were quickly on the case and what they found was quite disturbing. It is expected that the USDA will be investigating the practices of some Tulsa supermarkets beginning this week after complaints about their "Clown Meat". All of the meat in question will be taken in for DNA testing. In the meantime, officials are still searching for The Bearded Lady and have warned to stay away from all circus related foods until she is found.

Sign Language

Jenny received a "B+" on her latest Biology Exam. She tried and tried to convince her teacher, Mrs. Jackson, to bump her grade up in order to maintain her GPA. But her request was denied by her teacher. So, she decided to take her fight straight to the Principal, Mr. Clark. I think she might just get that "A" after all.

Jihad Pin-Up Girls

In an effort to boost troop morale in the war in Afghanistan, Al Qaida has requested all virgins pose for pictures to send to the frontlines. Here, Hakeem demands the girls give him a "sexy" look and to "work it" for the camera. They oblige. Praise Allah and Death to America!

It's Good to be King!

Something Wicked This Way Comes

It was a typical day for Sara Brooks of Philadelphia, seen here in the red shirt on the left, she was walking home after work. Just like she had done everyday for the last ten years. She was looking forward to a trip to Chicago on Thanksgiving to see her folks and her brother Timmy, who is confined to a wheelchair. But when she got to the corner of 121st and Main something didn't seem right. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she knew that things seemed different. Was it the fact that a fat Spiderman was knelt down texting someone? Hmm, peculiar. Was it that there was a giant white bunny abducting a teenage girl or maybe it was Mickey Mouse just standing there, yeah just standing there staring at her. She then noticed that almost everyone was wearing orange t-shirts and that seemed a bit unusual. It was at this point when an anvil fell from the sky and crushed Sara Brooks. Sara would still be here today if only she had remembered to bring her umbrella. She knew that the forecast was calling for random falling anvils and yet she did not heed the advice of her local weatherman. So, the message we should all take from this is; Mind your own business and watch for anvils you stupid b*tch!

Dumpster Diving

After a humiliating defeat in last year's election the GOP has taken a page from Obama's gameplan. Republicans are taking their message to the streets. While still a work in progress, we see here some Right-Wing, Conservative, Christian graffiti sending out the anti-abortion cry. "It's what you common people call a "grass roots" movement", said Chester J. Pennington the leader of the non-profit group "Putting the Elephant in the Ghetto". Pennington went on to say, "We wanted to target the lowest places we could think of, ghettos, projects and barrios". "We Republicans want to embrace minorities, even if they are dirty, lazy and ignorant". So if you happen to see some really bad graffiti like "Don't Tax the Rich" or "Who needs health care?" be careful, the Right-Wing could be right next door.

Random Act of Vader

Five priests were brutally murdered on the streets of Newark, N.J. today. There has been no arrest made as of yet but all clues point towards Darth Vader. Vader is seen here stalking the clergymen as they arrive at mass. They had just eaten lunch at Luby's when Vader sped by in a black Chevy Camaro and pulled into the church's parking lot. As for Vader's motive, some believe he was upset by the church's use of the name "Lord", others think he might have mistaken the priests for Jedis. What Vader doesn't know is that wearing a long robe and speaking about a hokey, ancient religion doesn't mean you're a Jedi. If you see Vader please do not approach or try to apprehend him. Vader is wanted in connection to hundreds of murders and the complete destruction of Alderon. Contact either the Newark Police Department or Coruscant Crime Stoppers if you know of his whereabouts. There is a reward of 1000 Republic credits.

Parental Guidance?

Congratulations, you have completely failed at raising your daughter!

Talkin' Dirty

Attention Black Friday shoppers! Your teenager or spouse wants a new phone? I have found the phone for you. It started with a good old fashion American idea. Getting the best possible phone to the masses, because there are so many people in the world that don't have a phone and we have no idea how they've survived without one. We went to Africa and collected the finest wildebeest feces. It was then hand-crafted, by Africans not those pesky Asians, and equipped with a stick for the best reception possible. Then, for a discounted price, we sold it to the children of a very well-to-do Botswanian village. Words can't describe the joy on the faces of those children to have their very own phone. Now, we're bringing it to America. So, if you want a phone, but you don't want people constantly calling you and wondering where you are or your tired of dropped calls. Well, my friend, Dung Phone is for you.

Corrections and Clarifications

After my recent post "Twenty Years", the editor informed me of a mathematical error. As a result, I have taken on a a new title, "Big Schlub". I reported that it has been 20 years since our first date, when in fact it has been only 19. I send my deepest apologies and regrets to all I offended or confused with my error. I will return all of the gifts that were sent to mark this special occasion and hope you will see it in your heart to send more next year.

Sign Language

There are 2 things we should all remember this Thanksgiving: 1) There are people everywhere that will go without, 2) Honesty IS the best policy. So, God Bless you, homeless man for doing the research for us. There's a spot at my table for you anytime. Happy Thanksgiving.

Twenty Years

Twenty years ago this week my wife and I went on our first date. She was a cute little 15 year old with parental issues, I was a 17 year old who thought he knew everything. Now, two decades later she's just as cute and I don't know half the stuff I thought I knew then. I do know that she has made my life complete. That night we went to the movies and saw "Misery". She had second thoughts when I laughed at some parts. Telling her mother that if she was still dating me after 2 weeks that she should be committed. Well, she has been committed. She is the jelly to my peanut butter. She makes a boring ol' sandwich sweet. She's my Jerry Lewis when I'm Dean Martin. Because a drunk Italian singing songs just isn't that funny and she makes me funnier than I really am. She's the index finger to my thumb, both are very individual and do different things. But when put together they make everything OK. About 7 years after that first date we were married. She always says that "for better or worse" means something to her and that means alot to me. Remember Prince said "Life, that means forever and that's a mighty long time" and more often than not I can make "life" seem more like a sentence than a happy journey. We have both changed in twenty years time, just like everyone. We have our share of flaws and I probably have enough for the both of us. But I love her more everyday and despite my bad choices and decisions, she still loves me too and that makes her stronger than anyone I know. "What a long strange trip it's been" Here's to 20 years, some good and some bad, but all of them worth it to be with you.

No Child Left Behind

Well, it seems that elementary students in Encino, CA will not be eating brussel sprouts at lunch anymore. Outraged by what they called "a government intrusion on lunch", a group of kindergartners wielding knives brutally took over the school cafeteria. The group, led by Soon Li "Makenzie" Wong, first protested the fact that they were "forced to eat what the government wanted them to eat" by a petition last month. But when their petition was "lost" and their demands fell on deaf ears, they took manners into their own hands. Taking most of the kitchen staff hostage for more than 13 hours they demanded pudding and when the school did not produce the desired pudding in a timely manner the blood began to flow. Children of all grades cheered as limb after limb of 6 lunch ladies were thrown into the crowd. The murdering spree only ended because the children ran out of hostages. Being only 5 years old and staying up past their bedtimes really threw a wrench in their plans. All 8 of the children were taken into custody and later released when it was found that all of the slain cafeteria workers were illegal immigrants. One parent said, "We didn't need those wets here anyway" and then screamed "Pudding for everyone!"

Hello Deer

A Virginia college student was shot to death by a hunter while collecting frogs for her Biology class Wednesday. The student and 2 of her classmates were on a trail about a mile off campus when they were mistaken for deer by 31-year old hunter Jason Cloutier. Coultier, who was licking his chops, looking forward to a big bowl of venison chili, now faces manslaughter and trespassing charges. Bond has been set at $20,000. A gentleman speaking on behalf of the college said, "This is a tragedy. Our prayers go out to the student's family". The local chapter of PETA also released a statement condemning the hunter for shooting what he thought was a defenseless deer. But they also were happy that no frogs were harmed during the incident. In related news, I'm going staight to hell one day.

Into The Shredder

I realized it has been 2 months since we shredded anything and also that tonight was the release of "New Moon". This my friends is not a coincidence. Critics and sane people all agree even without seeing it, "New Moon" sucks, and I don't mean sucks like a vampire. The highly anticipated follow-up to "Twilight" will be seen by millions of teenage girls and thirty-something housewives, but none of the facts will change. 1) Girl + Vampire + Werewolf = Bad Script. 2) That Robert Pattinson guy really needs a hamburger or something. 3) Troy Werewolf kid needs to find a shirt that he likes, because everytime I see him he's missing it. 4) Germans love David Hasselhoff. And of course 5) Mormons don't know sh*t about vampires. So, "New Moon" into the shredder with ya!

Sign Language

American flag bandana- Five Dollars, St. Louis Cardinals T-shirt- Twelve Dollars, Convenience Store Sunglasses- Twenty Dollars, Grajudatin frum tha sixth grade- PRICELESS!

World Cup Update

Yesterday was the last day of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. There were a few suprises, like Russia failing to reach with a loss to Slovakia and of course the tainted win for the French over Ireland. France won with a game-winning goal in extra time set up with an obvious handball that was missed by the referees. The outrage, the inhumanity, the who-really-gives-a-f*ck? Well, I take that back. It's apparent that the Irish care, as I'm sure that some other people in Europe care. Come to think of it, I'm sure that most of the world cares. Just not us. OK I'm wrong again, there is a small percentage of the U.S. population that actually cares about the World Cup. Lemme see...ah! John Curfew he cares, but does anyone actually care about John Curfew? Probably not. Back to my point. I saw on ESPN last night a countdown to the start of the World Cup, it said "230 days till kickoff". Really? Do we really need to know that now? 230 days. Who cares? I'm just as patriotic as the next guy and will be more that happy to support the American team when they lose again. But come on, every four years they push this World Cup garbage on us like it's liver and onions. "Open up America, it smells bad and doesn't look appealing and it tastes even worse but take a bite, sooner or later you gotta like it. " Well, I don't want to! A wise old man named Wally Trauten once told me, "Soccer is for kids who can't hit curveballs". Wally recently past away so I will carry his word to the masses. Too many times the rest of the world mistakes our National Soccer Team as our best athletes. That's the case in most countries, but not ours. In Brazil, Spain, France, Germany or Aregentina the kids want to play soccer when they're born. All of the country's best and most skilled athletes play soccer and that is why they are good. I can't fault them for that, that's great I'm glad they have such powerful teams that compete to be the world's best. But we don't, nor do we care to. Our best athletes grow up playing basketball on the streets, football in High School or baseball in vacant lots. If we decided to groom all of our best for soccer we would dominate the world. Same with hockey, cricket and curling. But we don't care about "The World's Game" and never will, just like we will never switch to the metric system or start using Euros instead of dollars. Oh, but if we did, oh man could you imagine our team. LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Adrian Peterson. Those guys could dominate anything they wanted to. Go ahead and do it, start thinking of the best athletes in America and think about if they played soccer all of their lives instead of whatever it is they do. It's scary. Anyway, this has gone on too long. Just let us know a couple of days in advance and we'll watch it.

Running on Faith

Jim Stevens of Jonesborough, TN claims that for the last 2 weeks that Jesus's picture has appeared on the window of his truck every morning with the dew. He says that he's not very religious and has no idea how it got there. Townspeople are amazed and all want a glimpse of the son of God on Jim's nicotine stained window. Little do they know that Jim's next door neighbor, Kenny Wayne Phillips, is the president of the Jonesborough chapter of the Eric Clapton fan club. He adamantly denies any wrong doing or mischief, saying only that "Ol' Slowhand is everywhere" and "Clapton is God". He then took another hit from his bong and giggled. Meanwhile, Jim continues to believe and says that he won't wash his truck for a while or until his wife tells him to.

Escape from Odessa

With the news this morning that Christian rock band Stryper had cancelled their Odessa, TX appearance, I of course started thinking. Stryper's website claims the flu has taken the band hostage and they've had to cancel or re-schedule all shows this week. But is that really the reason. I do believe the people of Odessa should start making some quick vacation plans. I'm sure that the members of Stryper have some insider knowledge that we're not privy to. It seems to me that The All-Mighty, loving big guy in the sky has moved Odessa to the top of the list for "fire and brimstone" and didn't think the band could save the city. I certainly thought Las Vegas and San Francisco had the inside track to being our modern day Sodom and Gomorrah but I guess I was wrong. So, citizens of Odessa, make haste and move quickly to the closest exit and as you're leaving town, don't look back or you could become a pillar of salt. If somehow you are able to escape your impending doom, remember November 20th at Dos Amigos, The Throwdown Deathless Tour with Bury Your Dead and The World we Knew. Good Luck.

Full Circle

I once punched a kid in the nose for saying that Stryper was a better band than Iron Maiden. Sure, I was 22 years old but it had to be done. No, not really, I was in Junior High. Anyway, he actually had the audacity to think that his favorite Jesus rockers were somehow divinely blessed and superior to Iron Maiden. How ludicrous! I was taught at an early age by two pot-smoking older brothers that no one ever talked bad about Iron Maiden. They were like family. Of course, years went by and I finally came to appreciate Stryper for being good musicians and the emotion of their music. As a kid we are quick to judge things on their image, especially music. Kids, even us, like some really bad sh*t. It's not till you get older that you realize that there is so much more to music than a catchy beat or cool riffs. There is something much more important: conviction. You can call it what you want; heart, emotion, soul, balls whatever. But it's the one ingredient that can make a song great. When you know that those guys believe what they sing and can somehow relay that to you, then it's real. There certainly are many bands and/or singers who put it all out there and I could make a very long list. But the fact that I'm going to see Stryper tonight and I'm not exactly what you call religious should tell you something. They've got conviction. Now I still think Iron Maiden is a far better band, but they don't have Dos Amigos as a tour stop. Oh, and I'd still punch that stupid mofo if I saw him today. Up the Irons!

Cutting Big Johnson

The world's largest health-products maker, Johnson & Johnson is said to be cutting 8,000 jobs in effort to cut costs as it braces for changes in the health care industry. The move will affect 6 to 7 percent of the company's workforce. Laid-off employees and their families had strong message to send to The Obama Administration and the Nancy Pelosi run Congress as you can see here. In a prepared statement the ex-employees "thanked" Obama for "saving" their jobs and hoped that future Band-Aids would "pull off your damn skin". They also hoped that baby shampoo would "burn your eyes". There was no comment from the White House. Although, it was said that the Obamas would be switching to store brand generic health products in the future.

National Treasure?

Nicolas Cage is broke. It's been reported that the Oscar-winning actor owes the IRS $6.6 million dollars in back taxes.

He has $5 million dollars in default mortgage payments on 2 of his properties and is going bald on top of all that. Cage claims that his business manager "led him down a path of financial ruin". He might have to sell his home in Las Vegas and his castle in Germany. Yeah, his castle. This arrogant SOB makes $20 million per movie and is broke. There is only so much blame he can attach to his manager. I mean this guy is big time movie star who has been in great films like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin", "Windtalkers", "Amos and Andrew", "Trapped in Paradise" and who could forget "Bangkok Dangerous". Sounds like he might need to make some better carreer choices, maybe "Valley Girl 2-Electric Boogaloo" should be in the works.

Hot Mormon Muffins

When shopping for a new calender this year keep "Hot Mormon Muffins" on your radar. Especially if you like muffins or Mormons or a combination of the two. Twelve months of that fresh from the oven aroma. Did you know that "muffins" spelled backward was "sniffum"? Yeah, I know it's amazing right? Needless to say, the church hasn't been this upset since the last time they saw Sam Kelly. They seemed to think a calender full of 10-speeds and mountain bikes would be a more appropriate gift for a loved one. Also, be on the look-out for the Jehovah's Witness Jelly-Filled Doughnuts Calender. It's only 10 months long, since they don't celebrate anything anyway.

"Clean up Gypsy's Sh*t!"

I actually read this headline from the AP, "Ethan Hawke supports Madonna's support of Gypsies". Speaking at a charity event Saturday night in Bucharest, Romania, the once upon a time almost famous actor, praised Madonna for speaking out against the discrimination of Gypsies in Romaina. Hawke's mother runs a charity that supports education for Gypsy children, so that they learn more than reading tarot cards and crystal balls. I'm sure Madonna could teach a class on playing the tambourine and dancing seductively. But Gypsies might know those things at birth. Nevertheless, I'm glad to see Ethan Hawke and Madonna working to help the Gypsies in their plight for equal rights and respect. Heaven knows I've laid awake at night worrying about it.

Manu's Manos

Bats will think twice before going in AT&T Center during a Spurs game after Halloween night. A rogue bat flew onto the court during the game sending most of the players running like little school girls. After the bat's first swoop, it came down for more. That's when Manu Ginobli swatted the bat out of the air then picked it up off the floor and said let's play some ball. I'm sure PETA will have something to say about the attack on a poor innocent bat. I can even see the bat holding a press conference sitting next to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton saying how he was a victim of a hate crime. Till then the Legend of Manu Ginobli continues to grow. Go Spurs Go!