The Mild Side

In an all too familiar trend, aging rockers Motley Crue announced today that they would be embarking on a world tour this summer. The Crue, who originated in 1981, have been told they were slowing down and getting passed by a new generation of rock bands. They are only using that as more motivation to hit the road. "We want people to know that we can still bring it", said Vince Neil. "We're gonna bring our hits to a new generation of fans". Neil, along with Nikki Sixx, Mick Mars and Tommy Lee have been re-writing some of their songs to "better fit" their state of...age. Sixx, who writes most of the songs said, "Yeah, we've been working on some new stuff, well it's old stuff that we made new." It seems Sixx was correct, because at rehearsal the band went through some of their "new old stuff". The set list included a re-made Dr. Feelgood, which is now about a prostate exam and Kickstart my Heart has been re-written about Mick Mars' last experience with a defibrillator. The list went on and on, they even changed songs that they covered to begin with, Lee laughed at the fact that Helter Skelter was now Elder Skelter. He said, "John Lennon is rollin' in his grave, man". Nevertheless, Motley Crue is hitting the road and gone are the groupies, drugs and the decadent lifestyle that made them famous. Sixx said, "We have a masseuse and a juice bar and we all get enemas before every show". Can't wait till this summer, well don't miss the Crue this weekend signing autographs at Luby's in Palm Springs.

Dokken vs. Chicken

http://thefunnyads.com/norton-dokken-vs-chicken-video-ad/

If only we knew this last week. We would've known how to stop them. Enjoy!

SOL

Jihad Double Date

A United States Special Forces convoy recently captured Al-Qiada #2 man, Abu Ebidia El-Banashiri, while driving on an isolated road in Southern Afghanistan. Banashiri and his driver were out picking up some "entertainment" for the troops when they were spotted. Along with the 2 sheep, a magazine showing women's ankles, 3 scented candles and a Cat Stevens 8-track were also confiscated in the arrest. Banashiri told his captors that if he did "not return to the cave with these possessions" that it would "anger Allah, as well as hundreds of men waiting for the release of the burning fire in their loins". As the US Interrogator began laughing uncontrollably, Banashiri became quite combative, saying only "Praise Allah and death to America".

Remembering Hank

Nobody ever questioned Hank Gathers' heart. He was the emotional leader of one of the nation's best basketball teams. Loyola Marymount pushed the mighty UNLV Runnin' Rebels to the brink in '89 and were firing on all cylinders in 1990, taking LSU and Shaq to overtime in Baton Rouge. Gathers scored 48 and pulled down 13 boards in that loss. He was only the second player ever to lead the nation in scoring and rebounding in he same season. Nobody questioned Hank's heart, but a month after that LSU game his heart failed him. Many of us saw Hank's death that night on ESPN and many have forgotten Hank over the years, but now 20 years later, we should all take time to remember one of the most dominant college basketball players ever.

Holy Crazy Pope, Batman!

In Pope Benedict's Message for Lent last week The Holy Father touched on may subjects including love, charity and sin. Pope Benedict, Mayor of The Vatican, said this, "Injustice, does not have exclusively external roots; it's orgin lies in the human heart, where the seeds are found with mysterious cooperation with the devil." He also reminded the world's Catholics that "Along with prayer and almsgiving, fasting is one of the three pillars of faith" The Holy Father then snatched a toddler from the crowd and proceeded to eat her. Wiping his mouth, His Holiness then said, "Man, this fasting is a real bitch. Let's concentrate on the prayer and almsgiving this year". The people roared their approval and cheered wildly as The Pope drove away.

Black History Month

Suburban Gangsta

Here at The Satellite of Love we are committed to hardcore journalism. We try our best to keep you informed and safe in these unsettling times. So, today in our continuing series "Suburban Gangsta" we take you to Auburn Hills, Michigan, where we find Jesse Fullerton. Jesse, or as his friends call him "White Jezzy", is a 13 year old with an insatiable appetite for Monster Energy Drinks, SlimJims and playing with his dad's unloaded pistol. White Jezzy is best known in his neighborhood as the kid who tried to steal a Slurpee machine from a local 7-11, claiming that the brain freeze that the GI Joe Cobra Commander Blueberry Rush was what keeps him from "putting a cap" in his parents. When we asked White Jezzy about the incident he said, "Yo man, I wanted that Slurpee thing , man. That woulda been da shiznick". Jesse is obsessed with what he calls "swag" or high dollar items that show his social standing. While most "Suburban Gangstas" would claim their automobile as their most prized possession, Jezzy is too young to drive and has been grounded from his bike for the last 2 weeks. So he proudly pulls out his mother's vacuum cleaner and screams "Dat's a Dyson b*tch!" He insisted that we take pictures and then we were rushed out the backdoor as Jezzy's parents were returning from a couples Bunco night down at the end of the cul-de-sac and since he was grounded he didn't want anymore trouble. Hard-hitting! Award-winning. Fair and Balanced. That's the kind of reporting we do best.

Ride On

Thirty years ago today, AC/DC singer Bon Scott was found dead in London. AC/DC had released 6 great albums in the 70s before Scott's death, including Highway to Hell, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and High Voltage, all of which cemented AC/DC's status as the leaders of the hard rock world in the "Disco Age". The band took a small break when Scott died, and when I say small I mean small. Five months later the timeless Back in Black was realeased with Brian Johnson replacing Scott on vocals. While, Back in Black has been one of the most successful albums in history, AC/DC has forgotten how to write songs that are actually good. Although they still release albums and tour, they only tarnish the image of superiority that they once had with Scott as their frontman and like KISS and The Rolling Stones need to hang it up and let us have our memories...before they die like Bon Scott did.