Top 5 Things You Wish Your Girlfriend Would Do
Almost every guy on the planet talks to their friends about women. We talk about how you look, how you dress, how you act when you’re with your friends, about that time you let me do that thing that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about. There's always something to say.
But, there are so many more things that we'd wish you would do. They're not big secrets, just things that would score major "Cool Points" with us and light the fire of jealousy in our friends. We want to see every woman do these things, but understandably most women don't enjoy the same activities most males enjoy, because well, they're usually sophomoric and moronic. So, actually doing these things simply makes some women more awesome than other women.
Ladies, no one is asking you to cure cancer here. Just try doing one of these things once in awhile. Here's the list:
5. Play Fantasy Football- Most women have no idea why their man is so upset on Sunday afternoons. Usually they don’t understand why we're so pissed off that Chris Johnson only got 12 carries or that Phillip Rivers threw 2 picks in the red zone. Hey, we’d love to explain it to you if you want to play; otherwise it’s another Sunday of wondering why we hate our best friend for having Adrian Peterson on his team. It’s not enough to know that Rex Grossam sucks. You should want to know why.
4. Shoe Shopping- This is really more of a "don't" than it is a "do". Men don’t like shoe shopping. Let me rephrase that–straight men don’t like shoe shopping. Most of us would rather be beat to a bloody fucking pulp with our own Chuck Taylors than to watch you look at shoes. Blame it on Al Bundy, but it’s just a fact of life. I’ll be at Luca's having a slice of pie. Text me when it’s time to go to Victoria’s Secret.
3. Play Video Games- Men of my age have a predisposition for video games. We grew up on Ninetendo, Mountain Dew and a bag of Funyuns. That was a bitchin' Saturday night. So, when a new system comes out, we’ll talk about it and when Madden comes out we pretend our spleen has ruptured so we can take the day off from work. We want a girl that can hold her own in something other than Mario Cart or Let's Dance. We want a girl who plays Madden but not beats us. A girl that enjoys the poetic carnage of Modern Warfare. We want a girl who has her own fucking controller!
2. Slutty Halloween Costumes- Hey, I didn't get dressed up like Chewbacca just to go home and have sex with Lady Chewbacca! If it wasn't for the fact that I might see a really hot Strawberry Shortcake or a naughty nurse, I'd just stay home and fuck with the neighborhood kids.
1. Watch Porn- O.K. so that video with the woman dressed as a clown being assaulted by 15 midgets who jump out of the El Camino may be pushing it, but billions of dollars is spent on porn every year and it can’t be all men who are buying it. It’s not that we want to do all those things to you; it’s that we want to do most of those things to you. There is nothing a man wants to hear more while watching some quality adult entertainment than “ Hey, WE should try that". So I'll go grab those jumper cables and a bucket of ice. You find the cheerleader outfit, billy goat and butter churner!
Top 5 Signs That You Are a Geek
It's not alaways as obvious as lightsabres tattooed on your forearms, but there are certain traits that you and a lot of your friends have that make you a Death Star sized geek. I know you're probaly asking, "Oh Dear God. What are signs? Tell me Obi-Wan. You're my only hope". and if you did ask in that way, well...I shouldn't have to tell you. In fact, most geeks are capable of passing themselves off as “Normals” in everyday life. And that’s why we need this list. It will let you know just how many geek-like tendencies you actually have. Don’t get mad. I'm not saying we should gather up all of the geeks and put them in camps. There’s no judgment here. I’m not gonna lie. I’m guilty of one or two of these myself. Anyway, here's the list:
5. You Own Action Figures- You might tell people that the Dart Maul doll that you "bought for your son" and you keep in its original packaging is an investment, but the rest of the world just thinks you play with toys and probably still wet your bed occasionally. And while you may tell yourself that the little Optimus Prime that you keep on your desk is just homage to your childhood, you know that your heart is pumping geek blood through those veins of yours and nobody wants a transfusion. And the same goes for all of those comic books you read. Oh, I'm sorry "graphic novels".
4. You Somehow Own Multiple Editions of The Star Wars Trilogy- How exactly does this happen? I know that George Lucas releases a new edition every few years, but really, one is enough! Do you really think that something new will happen? The new editions don't contain Ewok sex or Boba Fett doing anything to validate his awesomeness. All you’re really doing is validating George Lucas’ egomania and validating everyone's opinion, that you are a geek.
3. You Know Way Too Much About Comics- Everybody knows who Batman is Superman. If you don’t know who they are or who Spider-man is or some of the X-Men then honestly you’re just culturally retarded and live in another world and no not Alderon. But it’s a whole other thing to know the names of all of Daredevil’s villains’ second cousins or what color underwear Green Lantern wears or what color underwear you'd like Jean Grey to wear.
2. You Argue About Which Star Trek is Better- Have you ever discussed, with another human, which captain is best or most qualified? Kirk or Picard? Make it so! You're warp speed geek. And if you've ever tried to build a case for any of the other Star Trek series, besides the original and The Next Generation, well my geek friend, you should take your phaser off stun and put it in your mouth.
1. Roleplaying Games- If you want to sit around with your friends and pretend that you’re a wizard or if you can’t stand the idea of even that level of socialization and prefer to do your wizard fantasizing via your World of Warcraft account, go ahead man knock yourself out. Just know that there will come a day that you end up in a park wearing a wizard hat and robe dodging imaginary lightning bolts and you'll be surrounded by people dressed like waiters at Medieval Times carrying Nerf swords. Is that what you really want? Don't answer that!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
