Parental Guidance?

We received a record number of nominations in July for The Satellite of Love's Parents of the Year Contest, presented by Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages (For that wound that just isn't gross enough).  Everyday I painstakingly went through the letters and e-mails, just waiting for the the right parent to speak to me and I finally found her.  Crystal Henry of Arlington, TX.  Crystal is a hard working, single mother who manages to survive on a meager cashier's salary, working 20-plus hours a week at Albertson's.  "Ya know, I used to be an exotic dancer and I was a pretty good one too!  When I was growin' up, folks used to say that Crystal sounded like a stripper's name and I thought that was the best compliment that any one could give me.  So I made it my goal to become a stripper...I mean exotic dancer.", she said.    Crystal's dream did come true but it also came to an abrupt ending.  Like many "dancers", Crystal got caught up in the glamorous lifestyle of money, men and drugs.  She was forced to retire after only 12 years of stripping...I mean dancing.  Crystal had permanently damaged her buttocks from thousands of heroin injections to her right cheek.  Crystal explained, "My ass was lopsided.  One side was all nice and smooth and the other was all scarred up and stuff, y'all".  She knew that no hard-working man would want to give up his weekly wage to see a "dancer" with, what she called, "a funked up trunk".  So, she did what any lopsided-assed, heroin using, stripper would do, she started using meth.  After months of meth use, she realized that it wouldn't bring back her career so she went cold-turkey, waking up one day to find that she actually had a daughter, who was a bi-product of her insane meth use.  Crsytal said, "She was like 5 or 6 weeks old before I knew I even had a daughter.  She didn't even have a name, so I called her Crystal Jr. cuz she was so beautiful, like me."  Crystal, now clean and unemployed, except for her cashier's job, started teaching the art of "dance" to little Crystal Jr.  "I don't want her to end up like me", she sobbed, "Little Crystal is gonna have a job and she's gonna be the best damn dancer in the Metroplex".  She starts everyday with a vigorous routine, teaching young Crystal lap dancing, table dancing and of course, pole dancing, so that one day she won't have to "live the life of a f*ckin' Albertson's cashier".  I believe we need more Crystal Henry's in this world, dedicated to making sure that their children have the right training to make it out there.  From everyone at The Satellite and Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages, we say "Good job, Crystal!  Keep up the great work"

Country with a "K"

I never know what I’m going to get when I call my Mom. My Mom screens ALL of her calls; before the advent of caller ID, one had to announce themselves to her answering machine before she would pick up the phone. Now, though, she can see who is calling her as the phone is ringing – caller ID. It’s the eighth wonder of her world.

Very often my Mom will answer her phone with one word, and I know that most people do, so what’s so damned special about that? The thing is…it is not “Hello”. It’s “Tits”.

(Phone Rings)

She answers, “Tits! I swear.”

Me: “What’d he do now?”

You see, “Tits” is her shorthand for ‘As useless as tits (teats) on a boar hog’ and this phrase is used exclusively by my Mother to describe my Step-Dad, Jim. My poor little much maligned Step-Dad.

Although, he is…usually…you know, Tits.

Jersey "Whore"

President Obama is use to being attacked and taking criticism from other politicians and occasionally the media.  He's taxed more sh*t than anyone since King George.  But now he's even being attacked by the bronze trainwreck that is MTV's "Jersey Shore's" pint-sized guid-ette, Snooki.  Snooki, who is outraged by the new Tan Tax, which requires tanning salons to charge and extra 10%, took her battle with The President to Twitter, which is the preferred choice of battlegrounds in the 21st Century.  Obama, who had nothing better to do, chimed back with, "Who is Snooki?  I don't even know who she is."  Props to Barack for not knowing.  But on last night's season premier of "Jersey Shore" Snooki shot back, "McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning. Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan.  Clearly, Obama can't relate to my problems because he's black and doesn't need a tan."  She went on to rant about how she would never vote for a "black dude" again but then remembered that she wasn't even registered to vote.  She then said that "all this thinking is making my head hurt", put on her Ed Hardy cap and headed to the bar, after a quick trip to the tanning salon, of course.

Sign Language

Alderon's Most Wanted

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get  funds for the latest version of the Death Star, Darth Vader was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning. 
Rebel security forces tell The Satellite that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a handgun, which is completely unnecessary, since he has the power to choke the oxygen out every teller, he demanded cash, not "useless Republic Credits either".
It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel guard says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer."  Vader is considered "armed and dangerous".  Please do not try to apprehend him, as it could result in your untimely death.  If you know the whereabouts or have a tip on Vader's location, please contact your local Jedi Council.  You will remain anonymous. 

Curfewisms

It's No Secret

Congrats are in order for Hollywood pretty boy, Orlando Bloom and his new wife, Victoria's Secret model, Miranda Kerr, who just announced that they are pregnant.  The pregnancy news broke Wednesday with Miranda reportedly telling friends she was expecting.  "She's definitely pregnant... Miranda's thrilled. She's telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it.", said one of her model friends.  Most of the models were more than excited for Miranda, until she left the room that is.  Coked up and eating rice cakes, many of  Kerr's "friends" laughed about how fat she would get and how she wouldn't be able to puke out that baby weight.  But, contrary to how important they feel, the models weren't the first to hear about The Bloom/Kerr Baby.  Orlando, himself, let it slip to the hotel staff during their Honeymoon on the Caribbean isle of Anguilla last week.  One hotel staffer claimed, "Bloom kept apologizing for how big of a b*tch Miranda was being.  He blamed it on her pregnancy.  But, we all know that she's a raving b*tch all the time.  Poor Orlando."  In related news, Orlando Bloom is NOT gay, which came as a surprise to many, including his wife.

Happy Birthday Geddy Lee

If I could use the Julie Andrews song "A Few of my Favorite Things" and change the lyrics, I would definitely need to find something that rhymes with Geddy Lee, because he'd obviously need to be on my list.  Some people can't stand Geddy and I understand.  The uneducated, non-musical idiots of the world don't have a clue as to what Geddy Lee has meant to music.  They only hear the voice that annoys them so.  And his voice is an acquired taste, I'll have to admit.  Over the course of 35 years, Lee has fashioned himself into a great prog rock icon — and possibly the greatest who ever lived.  Along with Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart, he has made his impression very deep in the music world.  All are respected for their technical mastery of their tools and no-nonsense cutting edge rock.  But, Geddy always stood above the others as either the leader of the cheers or the target of critics.  Happy 57th Geddy Lee. 

Sign Language

Whew! That Scared the Gay Outta Me!

Last weekend at something called The Radical Christian Right-Wing Fair & Expo in Tupelo, Mississippi, Rev. Gary Rayburn raised the ire of homosexuals everywhere and also raised a few eyebrows in his own community by saying, "all p*rnography is homosexual p*rnography" because "p*rnography turns your sexual drive inwards." I kinda understand his point. Like a fine cigar, p*rnography is often enjoyed alone. But as one of our former Presidents can attest, cigars can easily be a fun couples toy.  I digress.  What he's saying is, if you're the only person in the room, enjoying some p*rnography and doing a little "self-pleasing" and you aren't a different sex than yourself, then by definition you're in a same-sex relationship, which makes you queer.  WOW!  That's really stupid.

Here are a few things I know for sure:
1)  Sex, when done correctly, is fun.
2)  Duct Tape on a girls mouth turns "no, no, no" into "mmm, mmm, mmm".  (Maybe I should've kept that to myself)
3)  Germans love David Hasselhoff
4)  Masturbation is not "having sex with a dude"
I stand firm on all of those counts.

The Reverend went on to say, "if an 11-year-old boy was told that looking at porn would make him gay, he would be less likely to pick up a copy of Playboy."  Really?  When I was 11, it was hard to get your hands on that kinda contraband. I wouldn't put one down if it was on fire or was soaked in acid. Second degree burns fade man, but memories live forever.  So, I'm living proof, as are many men out there, that The Reverend's theory is a bunch of fecal matter.  I've wiped whole civilizations of my own children off with a tissue or paper towel in the name of p*ornograghy, and I'm NOT gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  And even if you could convince an eleven-year old, in this day and age, that Playboy magazine could make him gay, he'd probably ask you first, "What is Playboy?" and secondly, "What's a magazine, Old man?".

Hot Off the Press

"The Alan Parsons Project"

Justin Johnson of Bloomfield, IN was apprehended by police this week after forging and then trying to cash a check for "one million dollars".  Authorities were called to the Eastern Heights Branch of the Bloomfield State Bank after Johnson casually handed the forged check for one million dollars through the teller window and said, with a pinkie to his mouth, "I would like to cash this check for one million dollars".  The bank teller managed to obtain Johnson's drivers license by just asking and told him that she'd be "right back" with his money. She instead photocopied the license and gave it to the police, leading them straight to Johnson's home, where he was placed in custody.  Johnson's bond was set at (in your best Dr.Evil voice)  "ten thousand dollars".